Author Topic: would this bother you?  (Read 498 times)

Offline Traditionallyruralmom

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would this bother you?
« on: February 13, 2019, 02:02:07 PM »
I took my 18 year old daughter to the doctor and went into the appointment with her (it was her desire that I be there) This is a provider that I worked with in my last pregnancy and I thought we had good rapport.  She is a secular, I don't know what kind of spirituality, liberal. Her exam room has "especially for teens" Birth Control brochures.  She mentioned "your body, your choice" regarding what to do about the cycle problems we were there to seek help for.  She mentioned birth control as a treatment option, and I interjected (after she had plenty of time to have her say, and my daughter had already responded) that we would probably like to seek other options of treatment (supplements, blood testing for deficiencies, dietary changes) before resorting to the band aid treatment birth control offers for cycle issues.   This is one of the reasons I have stayed with her, because she seemed to respect our beliefs, was open and knowledgeable about some kinds of alternative treatments and diets, and does not hound us about our vaccination schedule.

We decided on a blood test, and she shooed me out to the waiting room, and I went, knowing full well she was trying to get rid of me.  My daughter tells me afterward (I did not even have to ask her, we have a great relationship) that doctor had used that time to ask her if there as anything she wanted to talk about without her mom around.

I get it that doctors are often the first line of defense in noticing something may be off with a person (abuse, ect) And my daughter is an "adult"  What I don't like is the underhanded way she went about it.  We are all adults, right?  I would expect a doctor that I had rapport with, who I saw for a year regarding my own pregnancy and postpartum would be able to say "Id like to have some time to talk to your daughter in private"  And with my girl being a sensible young lady, I would have said "sure".  (would not do that with my children who are underage) It makes me think that she assumes that we are controlling our daughter, and so my trust and respect for her is lessened.  This clinic also deals with lots of Anabaptist's, and I am going to assume that a double standard applies here.  I bet she would NEVER say that to an 18 year old Amish girl there with her mom  >:( 

This just leaves a bad taste in my mouth.  Would you find another provider? (I have 6 daughters!) If you did, would you let this one know why you are going elsewhere?
« Last Edit: February 13, 2019, 02:03:43 PM by Traditionallyruralmom »
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Offline Josephine87

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Re: would this bother you?
« Reply #1 on: February 13, 2019, 02:39:51 PM »
I would first tell her how you feel disrespected and believe that she would have treated other patients differently.  Depending on how she responds, I would go elsewhere.  There's always the chance she will share her side and be sorry.  She might even change the way she deals with this kind of issue in the future.  I'm not sure I'd count on it though, doctors can be very arrogant and rude to the very people they are supposed to serve. 
"Begin again." -St. Teresa of Avila

“My present trial seems to me a somewhat painful one, and I have the humiliation of knowing how badly I bore it at first. I now want to accept and to carry this little cross joyfully, to carry it silently, with a smile in my heart and on my lips, in union with the Cross of Christ. My God, blessed be Thou; accept from me each day the embarrassment, inconvenience, and pain this misery causes me. May it become a prayer and an act of reparation." -Elisabeth Leseur
 
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Offline Traditionallyruralmom

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Re: would this bother you?
« Reply #2 on: February 13, 2019, 07:21:57 PM »
I would first tell her how you feel disrespected and believe that she would have treated other patients differently.  Depending on how she responds, I would go elsewhere.  There's always the chance she will share her side and be sorry.  She might even change the way she deals with this kind of issue in the future.  I'm not sure I'd count on it though, doctors can be very arrogant and rude to the very people they are supposed to serve.
This is pretty much what hubs said.  He said it was up to me though, so I thought I would ask other parents here. 
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Offline Lynne

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Re: would this bother you?
« Reply #3 on: February 14, 2019, 07:48:54 AM »
Aren't they obligated to do that, i.e. talk with the "child" without the parent present? It angers me. If you can find another doctor who doesn't do that, you may want to go.
In conclusion, I can leave you with no better advice than that given after every sermon by Msgr Vincent Giammarino, who was pastor of St Michael’s Church in Atlantic City in the 1950s:

    “My dear good people: Do what you have to do, When you’re supposed to do it, The best way you can do it,   For the Love of God. Amen.”
 
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Offline The Harlequin King

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Re: would this bother you?
« Reply #4 on: February 14, 2019, 09:46:52 AM »
I wouldn't take it personally. As you said yourself, "doctors are often the first line of defense in noticing something may be off with a person", and that remains true even after people pass the age of 18.
 
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Offline diaduit

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Re: would this bother you?
« Reply #5 on: March 14, 2019, 04:46:32 AM »
Hmmmm tough one.

She is your dr, you have established your positions on vaccination, birth control etc.  At least you can relax going in to her for YOUR health issues.
You have more daughters under age probably seeing her as well.  Your adult daughter has confirmed in a private setting that you are not a controlling mother especiallyl as you quietly left the room.  So at least that picture has been established for your younger daughters.

If it was me I would leave it because you have future visits with drs for all of you and do you really want to start looking around again for the next dr who probably will be the same as this one and maybe less sympathetic to your beliefs.

We know what she did was an afront to you and your daughter but now that its done I would continue with her , pick your battles.  You just never know the next dr could be worse.

 
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Offline Elizabeth

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Re: would this bother you?
« Reply #6 on: March 16, 2019, 03:01:50 PM »
I would change if a better alternative comes up.  That xxxx makes me paranoid as all get out.
 
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Offline dymphnaw

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Re: would this bother you?
« Reply #7 on: March 17, 2019, 12:28:22 PM »
Your daughter is 18. No doctor is required to have  you in the room anymore. And frankly, most kids aren't going to speak freely with their mother in the room.  Years ago that's how a doctor found out that my cousin forced her daughter to have multiple abortions and was going to make her get rid of the child she was currently pregnant with. That doctor was able to plead with my cousin to have mercy on her daughter and grandchild.
 
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Offline Lynne

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Re: would this bother you?
« Reply #8 on: March 17, 2019, 02:49:17 PM »
Your daughter is 18. No doctor is required to have  you in the room anymore. And frankly, most kids aren't going to speak freely with their mother in the room.  Years ago that's how a doctor found out that my cousin forced her daughter to have multiple abortions and was going to make her get rid of the child she was currently pregnant with. That doctor was able to plead with my cousin to have mercy on her daughter and grandchild.

The doctor that would argue against abortion would be a rare find today. Now they're pushing the HPV vaccine.
In conclusion, I can leave you with no better advice than that given after every sermon by Msgr Vincent Giammarino, who was pastor of St Michael’s Church in Atlantic City in the 1950s:

    “My dear good people: Do what you have to do, When you’re supposed to do it, The best way you can do it,   For the Love of God. Amen.”
 

Offline MundaCorMeum

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Re: would this bother you?
« Reply #9 on: March 19, 2019, 04:44:37 PM »
Your daughter is 18. No doctor is required to have  you in the room anymore. And frankly, most kids aren't going to speak freely with their mother in the room.  Years ago that's how a doctor found out that my cousin forced her daughter to have multiple abortions and was going to make her get rid of the child she was currently pregnant with. That doctor was able to plead with my cousin to have mercy on her daughter and grandchild.

The doctor that would argue against abortion would be a rare find today. Now they're pushing the HPV vaccine.


don't forget birth control  ::)
 

Offline Lynne

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Re: would this bother you?
« Reply #10 on: March 20, 2019, 07:06:11 AM »
Your daughter is 18. No doctor is required to have  you in the room anymore. And frankly, most kids aren't going to speak freely with their mother in the room.  Years ago that's how a doctor found out that my cousin forced her daughter to have multiple abortions and was going to make her get rid of the child she was currently pregnant with. That doctor was able to plead with my cousin to have mercy on her daughter and grandchild.

The doctor that would argue against abortion would be a rare find today. Now they're pushing the HPV vaccine.


don't forget birth control  ::)

They've been pushing that for years to cure everything from irregular periods to acne.
In conclusion, I can leave you with no better advice than that given after every sermon by Msgr Vincent Giammarino, who was pastor of St Michael’s Church in Atlantic City in the 1950s:

    “My dear good people: Do what you have to do, When you’re supposed to do it, The best way you can do it,   For the Love of God. Amen.”
 

Offline Chestertonian

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Re: would this bother you?
« Reply #11 on: March 21, 2019, 05:41:06 PM »
It's a routine thing they do to cover their butts.  I remember when my wife was pregnant for the 2nd or 3rd time (ended in miscarriage) and the doctor took her aside and asked her if I beat her.  We both thought it was kind of silly because I was barely able to walk, underweight and on dialysis.  She said "the only time he beats me is if we're playing Scrabble"
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Offline Traditionallyruralmom

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Re: would this bother you?
« Reply #12 on: March 23, 2019, 08:20:07 AM »
"the only time he beats me is if we're playing Scrabble"

that is a quick thinker  :)
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Offline Padraig

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Re: would this bother you?
« Reply #13 on: March 23, 2019, 03:12:39 PM »
I'm in medical school right now, and this is a HUGE issue that I have with our education. We're supposed to discuss strategies to "get mom out of the room," starting at age TWELVE to talk about sexual issues and birth control with underage patients. There is an expectation of conflict between the parent and child, and a complete denial of parental rights and authority.

The most infuriating part in my opinion is that in serious situations where there is an actual matter to discuss (teen pregnancy, for example), the CHILD sitting on your exam table needs the parent to be in their life more than ever. So to push the parent out of the discussion is the most harmful thing you could do to the patient.

For a young adult like an 18 year-old, it is actually appropriate to have some discussion in private, but like you said it should be very open and above-board. There is absolutely no reason to be sneaky or subversive about it. All it does is drive a wedge between the parent and child and parent and physician.
 
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