Author Topic: Spendthrift Spouse  (Read 747 times)

Offline Josephine87

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Spendthrift Spouse
« on: September 24, 2018, 11:49:19 PM »
Has anyone here ever dealt with a spouse who is bad with money?  How did you broach the topic? I am pretty quiet and non-confrontational but I want to save for the future and pay down debts and that is not a shared goal at the moment. It's also difficult since I'm not the breadwinner so it feels uncomfortable to talk about this, like I'm being ungrateful.
"Begin again." -St. Teresa of Avila

“My present trial seems to me a somewhat painful one, and I have the humiliation of knowing how badly I bore it at first. I now want to accept and to carry this little cross joyfully, to carry it silently, with a smile in my heart and on my lips, in union with the Cross of Christ. My God, blessed be Thou; accept from me each day the embarrassment, inconvenience, and pain this misery causes me. May it become a prayer and an act of reparation." -Elisabeth Leseur
 

Offline diaduit

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Re: Spendthrift Spouse
« Reply #1 on: September 25, 2018, 01:41:28 AM »
Have you ever sat down and put together a budget?

Cost of house, utilities, food, car, insurances, repairs and replacements and all necessaties on a spreadsheet, once totalled compare it to the income.  What is leftover should be divided up for savings, money in your pocket and Church dividend.


When it is written down on paper , it could start a discussion between you at least and work from there.  It would be good to have a goal that the other spouse enjoys , like a weekend trip so they can enjoy the fruits of saving and then might be more inclined to at least try to change their habits.  Dangle the carrot first.
 
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Offline Gardener

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Re: Spendthrift Spouse
« Reply #2 on: September 25, 2018, 10:50:55 AM »
I'm the spouse who is bad with money in terms of saving surplus, a condition for which we haven't suffered since our bills/income ratio is in our favor. My wife feels guilty about "treating" herself to this miracle shower spray that stops soap scum, or buying something like new socks.

Anyway, it's not "his" money nor is it "your" (singular) money. It's your (plural) money in order to do necessary things. That you aren't the "breadwinner" is immaterial if he is violating his duties as a husband and (?) father.

If your husband is taking bill money and putting it towards luxuries, that's a real problem and needs to be addressed.

If he just simply has a "ooh, shiny!"' complex, that should also be addressed.

Diaduit is right: you need to have a budget to make sure all needs are covered first.

What has been helpful for me is to self-limit an "allowance". If I want more money for something, I have to generate it via selling something else I have.

ETA: All the truly rich people I know are completely cheap. I know one guy who is a retired fiber optics architect for AT&T. Dude's worth over a million dollars from investments. Drives a cheap car. Works on his own vehicles. Pays for everything in cash and if he can't pay outright he doesn't buy it. Luxurious spending is the hallmark of the constantly self-impoverished and nouveau riche (and soon to be poor again).
« Last Edit: September 25, 2018, 10:55:50 AM by Gardener »
"And what use are the victories on the battlefield if we are ourselves are defeated in our innermost personal selves?" - St. Maximilian Kolbe

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Offline Carleendiane

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Re: Spendthrift Spouse
« Reply #3 on: September 26, 2018, 11:23:23 AM »
I pay the bills. After bills, no matter what he deems needed, whether I agree, disagree, or am ambivalent about, I usually say nothing, unless I am aware of a bill coming up towards end of month,  If he is anxious over making it until next payday, he will reevaluate where the money went. Which is good. There is enough  to make it until next payday. If we run short, well, he knows why. No need to say anything.
To board the struggle bus: no whining, board with a smile, a fake one will be found out and put off at next stop, no maps, no directions, going only one way, one destination. Follow all rules and you will arrive. Drop off at pearly gate. Bring nothing.
 
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Offline Josephine87

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Re: Spendthrift Spouse
« Reply #4 on: September 26, 2018, 02:20:21 PM »
Thank you everyone for your advice.
"Begin again." -St. Teresa of Avila

“My present trial seems to me a somewhat painful one, and I have the humiliation of knowing how badly I bore it at first. I now want to accept and to carry this little cross joyfully, to carry it silently, with a smile in my heart and on my lips, in union with the Cross of Christ. My God, blessed be Thou; accept from me each day the embarrassment, inconvenience, and pain this misery causes me. May it become a prayer and an act of reparation." -Elisabeth Leseur
 

Offline Gardener

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Re: Spendthrift Spouse
« Reply #5 on: October 10, 2018, 09:12:11 AM »


"And what use are the victories on the battlefield if we are ourselves are defeated in our innermost personal selves?" - St. Maximilian Kolbe

Off and on for Advent. Probably only while at work.
 
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Offline Bonaventure

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Re: Spendthrift Spouse
« Reply #6 on: October 15, 2018, 02:28:08 PM »
Has anyone here ever dealt with a spouse who is bad with money?  How did you broach the topic? I am pretty quiet and non-confrontational but I want to save for the future and pay down debts and that is not a shared goal at the moment. It's also difficult since I'm not the breadwinner so it feels uncomfortable to talk about this, like I'm being ungrateful.

We got very lucky since we both are essentially minimalists. I learned that, she grew up third world so already had that. You just need to sit down and talk about what you value in life, and goals.