Toddlers in restaurants

[GaudeMariaVirgo]

Hello all! I was wondering if you had any advice/experience with taking toddlers/younger children to restaurants, how to encourage good behavior, and how to enjoy the experience as a family.

We've started taking our 3- and 1-year-olds out to eat more often (during COVID in Chicago we didn't get much practice with this). Most (okay, all) restaurants in our town are what I can only describe as "child-friendly business casual;" you see well-behaved children & families there, & the restaurants have kids' menus, but you'll also see couples on dates, groups of young people for happy hour, business lunches etc -- so, a mixed clientele.

While our kids are both pretty well behaved, they're quite young and have the typical fidgety/fussy behaviors that come with that age group, which leads to me & my husband micromanaging a lot (especially the one-year-old, who's grabby around silverware), getting stressed out about "appearances," and leaving relatively early. I've heard anecdotally that children can do fine in restaurants with the right training and tricks (at least, that's what the French parenting books say  ) and was wondering if those of you with families have any suggestions in this area! We'd like for our family to enjoy "typical" restaurant experiences (within reason) and also keep our children well behaved/courteous around other customers. What's a reasonable standard to expect from this age group in restaurants, and are we being too ambitious/controlling?

Thanks all!!

[Jayne]

This stage is pretty far in the past for me, but it's a great question so I'll attempt to answer.  You will probably get more details from those currently "in the trenches".

I would have minimal expectations for a 1 year old and focus more on distracting than training at that age.  I like an ice cube in a high chair tray for that purpose.  Any mess it makes just dries itself out.

The 3 year old is the key.  When one trains the oldest child, it is an investment in all one's other children, both current and future.  Children learn a lot from older siblings, perhaps more than by any other means.

A 3 year old will probably benefit from playing restaurant at home.  Have the child help putting on a table cloth and doing a formal table setting.  Take turns being the waiter and the customer.  Add some dolls/ stuffed animals for additional characters.  Pay with play money, if you have some. This gives you a situation to teach about expectations for behaviour without the pressure (or expense) of doing so at a real restaurant.

[GaudeMariaVirgo]

Those are great suggestions, Jayne, thank you!

[MundaCorMeum]

Honestly, at this point, your entire parenting career consists of micromanaging.  It will pay off in the long run, though.  What are meals like at home?  Do y'all sit down as a family for most meals (even when Dad is at work, Mom and kids can do this)?  Are the kids expected to sit in their spots to eat and behave during the meal?  By behave, that means being relatively quiet and no throwing of food.  They should stay in their spot and not constantly get up and down or run around.  WHEN they attempt to break these rules, you have to consistently and patiently redirect them and remind them of said rules. Be prepared to issue consequences the older they get. It takes time for that to set in.  It's not reasonable to expect very young children to have impeccable table manners, but it is reasonable to expect parents to be on guard to remind them and show them how to behave every time they slip up.  If you go to a restaurant expecting some kind of picture perfect experience, you will be let down every.single.time.  Go to a restaurant expecting to help the children practice good behavior, both by your correction and example.  If you want a peaceful meal out of the house, hire a babysitter 

[MundaCorMeum]

Something else that has been part of our family life, and other families appreciate and notice when our kids are at other people's homes... Train your kids to ask after a meal, "May I be excused?". When given and positive answer, they should respond with, 'thank up for dinner (or breakfast or lunch)", then proceed to clear their spot and push in their chair.  It goes a very long way in training children in gratitude and self-discipline, even when it may get tedious for parents with a houseful of kids to hear that 8 times a day for each meal.

[GaudeMariaVirgo]

Thanks Munda, this is really helpful/reassuring!

If you go to a restaurant expecting some kind of picture perfect experience, you will be let down every.single.time.

Yes, this has been tripping us up! We've been implicitly hoping for the same kind of relaxed restaurant experiences we used to have pre-kids, which hasn't really happened with them in tow. We may just need to lighten up on that, since it seems like some distraction comes with the territory (similar to Mass)

At home, we do mainly sit-down meals and the kids are (well, our 3 year old is) expected to behave politely and ask to be excused -- but, we haven't tried having them say thanks for the meal at the end. That's a good idea! Does your family say a closing grace or have any kind of ceremonial end to the meal also? We're new-ish converts and it feels like we've just gotten the opening grace down 

This is all really helpful, thanks everyone!

[MundaCorMeum]

From GaudeMariaVirgo:

Yes, this has been tripping us up! We've been implicitly hoping for the same kind of relaxed restaurant experiences we used to have pre-kids, which hasn't really happened with them in tow.

Welcome to Parenthood  . Life after children will never go back to what it was, and neither should parents expect it to.  This is why marriage is elevated to the status of "Sacrament".  We absolutely need those graces to raise our children in the Faith and train them in virtue.  The problem is that parents are selfish and often cling to their own will, passions, and preferences.  But, parenting requires you to die to yourself constantly for the sake of these precious little people you are caring for.  The goal is do God's Will....not have pleasant restaurant experiences  . So sorry to have to burst the bubble on that 

I wish I could say we prayed Grace After Meals consistently, but we do not.  We have tried to build the habit, but we could never make it stick.  I think maybe it's because we all finish the meal at different times, depending on the ages and stages of all the kids.  If I have a very young child, it often needs to be tended to before everyone else is done (like a baby that needs to by bathed, changed, or nursed to bed; or a toddler who also needs washing/care/attention).  Or if I'm very pregnant and tired after preparing and serving a meal, I'll ask to be excused to go rest while the kids visit with their Dad and clean up.  Currently, my youngest is two and I'm not pregnant or nursing, so my husband and I tend to linger after dinner and visit, and the kids will either sit with us (the older ones), it excuse themselves to go play until we call everyone for clean up.  So, while we do all gather together as a family for the Rosary and grace before meals, we all kind of disperse in stages, making it difficult to say a formal prayer after everyone is finished.  We do say night prayers together after we clean and have some free time before bedtime, though. 

[Lynne]

Something else that has been part of our family life, and other families appreciate and notice when our kids are at other people's homes... Train your kids to ask after a meal, "May I be excused?". When given and positive answer, they should respond with, 'thank up for dinner (or breakfast or lunch)", then proceed to clear their spot and push in their chair.  It goes a very long way in training children in gratitude and self-discipline, even when it may get tedious for parents with a houseful of kids to hear that 8 times a day for each meal.

I hope you write a book some day.

[Christina_S]

Something else that has been part of our family life, and other families appreciate and notice when our kids are at other people's homes... Train your kids to ask after a meal, "May I be excused?". When given and positive answer, they should respond with, 'thank up for dinner (or breakfast or lunch)", then proceed to clear their spot and push in their chair.  It goes a very long way in training children in gratitude and self-discipline, even when it may get tedious for parents with a houseful of kids to hear that 8 times a day for each meal.

I hope you write a book some day.

I second this!!

I only have one kid (outside the womb, at least), but the others have offered a lot of wisdom about starting with manners at home. I think temperament can make things more or less challenging in this regard, but discipline will pay off in the end. We've been blessed with a very even-keeled phlegmatic child who is generally quiet and very tidy at the table. A dear friend of mine has a much rowdier choleric-sanguine daughter who likes to throw food, make a mess, and shriek with delight all through dinner time. So she has a bigger challenge with getting her daughter to tone down the behaviour and stick food in her mouth, but I need to motivate mine to eat in the first place 
What Jayne said about training the oldest child is very true (source: am the oldest of 6 lol), and although it may seem like a ton of work now, it'll pay off by the time you've reached kid #5 and the oldest can offer some "fraternal correction" to the littles on occasion 

[MundaCorMeum]

Something else that has been part of our family life, and other families appreciate and notice when our kids are at other people's homes... Train your kids to ask after a meal, "May I be excused?". When given and positive answer, they should respond with, 'thank up for dinner (or breakfast or lunch)", then proceed to clear their spot and push in their chair.  It goes a very long way in training children in gratitude and self-discipline, even when it may get tedious for parents with a houseful of kids to hear that 8 times a day for each meal.

I hope you write a book some day.

. Sure! I'll title it, "5,476,361 Ways to Screw Up as a Catholic, Wife, and Mother: an autobiography".

[MundaCorMeum]

From Christina_s:

What Jayne said about training the oldest child is very true (source: am the oldest of 6 lol), and although it may seem like a ton of work now, it'll pay off by the time you've reached kid #5 and the oldest can offer some "fraternal correction" to the littles on occasion 

I'm definitely finding this to be true.  My oldest is now 17, and she just loves giving fraternal correction to her siblings!  And, they love hearing it from her  .  No, seriously, it really does seem to trickle down....the good, the bad, and the ugly.  My oldest is actually taking her three younger sisters to the grocery store for me today to do our weekly shopping.  It's a win/win all around. They get to go on an outing, she gets to drive and play adult, the littler ones learn some domestic skills, and I get to stay home and tend to the toddler.  Having older kids is a huge blessing.  I am loving the dynamics of having kids of many ages and stages.  It's incredibly hard, but the benefits and joys are equally matched to the work required.

Also, from your posts, it sounds like you are off to a great start as a wife and mother.  I wish I had that kind of wisdom from the get go.  But I pretty much had to learn as I went and did alot of research from books and online sources on how to do marriage and parenting well.  I'm still very much a work in progress.

[Lynne]

Something else that has been part of our family life, and other families appreciate and notice when our kids are at other people's homes... Train your kids to ask after a meal, "May I be excused?". When given and positive answer, they should respond with, 'thank up for dinner (or breakfast or lunch)", then proceed to clear their spot and push in their chair.  It goes a very long way in training children in gratitude and self-discipline, even when it may get tedious for parents with a houseful of kids to hear that 8 times a day for each meal.

I hope you write a book some day.

[emoji38]. Sure! I'll title it, "5,476,361 Ways to Screw Up as a Catholic, Wife, and Mother: an autobiography".

hahaha

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[OCLittleFlower]

When ours were younger, people would often come up to us shocked that such young children behaved so well in public. Granted, my youngest was 2.5 when adopted (but with the mental and physical development of an 18 month old), but it basically came down to two things to get them to behave well at the table.

1) I expected the same behavior at home as in public. No getting up from the table or running around or throwing things or interrupting or...

2) Toys, crayons, and the like never come into play at meal time. Ditto tablets, etc. Meals are for eating.

I also think it may have been a factor that we aren't a snack family -- I think a lot of kids who graze a lot come to the table not hungry enough to focus on the food. I've been out with friends who literally feed the kids snacks while waiting for the table to be ready and then complain the kids aren't interested in the food, are bored, etc.

[GaudeMariaVirgo]

Snacks are the bane of my existence  Our family doesn't do them either. Can be a little challenging during mom group outings though, when "everyone else" has fruit loops and mini cookies at 10am... agh!

[queen.saints]

A lot of countries around the world sing Grace before and after meals with children and there are usually different prayers for each day of the week, as well, at least in France and Switzerland (though, different versions in each country. Another point of rivalry ) It makes it a lot more motivating for kids to say their grace after meals, because they don't want to miss each day's "special" song. I'm not sure if there is an English version of this, but there probably is if we could find it, because in a lot of old books the prayers before and after meals sound a lot more sing-songy.


On a funny note with that, I was once served Chinese takeout by a Dutch family and apparently their version has a big blessing for the cook and the dad said,

"Somewhere there is a Chinese guy who has no idea how lucky he got this evening."