How to raise a Catholic family w/ no Grandparents

[DyingGaul]

As noted in my previous intro, many of us were born into Ignorance.  I'm a fairly new Catholic and I have 3 children under 3 currently.  I would like to have more but it gets more difficult with each new one for one primary reason, We have little to no grand parent assistance other than my own father who can only assist on weekends do the multiple businesses he runs (her father is deceased).  This makes the infant stage extremely difficult. Both our mother's have had multiple husbands (5+) and are not really that interested in their grand children aside from photos and a few hugs with them. 

My question to you all:  When I go to Latin Mass I will see families similar to ours but with 6 or 5 kids under 7.  They seem to manage them well at Mass (which we're working on), but how do they manage so many kids during their day to day lives?  My wife is doing her best but she did not grow up with a highly participative mother so she is having to learn everything about child rearing as she goes (likewise I grew up with no active mother at all).  She is having much difficulty when it comes to dealing with the children and gets stressed very easily. Any advice from those who had large families would be greatly appreciated. 

Thank you all

[clau clau]

I would suggest talking to others on the phone. Try to make friends with people in the parish and maybe arrange family visits from time to time.

A trouble aired is a trouble shared.

I know its hard.

I'll say a prayer for you.   

[The Curt Jester]

My wife and I have three within three years of each other with very little assistance from family because of distance.  It's certainly not easy managing them all the time, especially if I have to be away or at work, but as they get older, it is becoming easier.  The older children will eventually assist with the younger ones.  The fourth child shouldn't be as hard as the third.  There are also families at church who are willing to lend assistance if necessary, although I realize that doesn't help out with the day-to-day activities.

Just go for it.  You never regret the children you have, but you do regret the ones you didn't have (to quote my pastor).

[Christina_S]

3 under 3 sounds brutal! I've heard from parents of big families that it gets better after the first three and the transition isn't so difficult. We live across the country from my in-laws and parents, and the lack of support can be such a struggle.

For your wife, I would have two books to recommend. One is How to Raise Good Catholic Children by Mary Reed Newland. Content is basically what's in the title. The other is A Mother's Rule of Life by Holly Pierlot. This covers how to set up a daily routine that is effective for not only practical matters, but also for your budget, your marriage, parenting, and most of all, personal holiness.

See if there are any older kids from church who would be willing to help out with the little ones during the week. Plenty of trad teen girls have experience working with kids and love the opportunity to get out of the house, even for babysitting.

Find out what you and your wife each need in order to feel supported. If you know each other's love languages, that'll help. Maybe she needs an evening to herself once a week to enjoy some quiet time. Maybe you want some kind of gift or physical reminder of her affection. Whatever it is, find a feasible way to make it happen and keep up the teamwork.

[diaduit]

Very good advice here.  You are probably at the worst time now but once your eldest reaches 5 or 6, you will find it starts to get a little easier. For now, invest in developing friendships in the trad community and I would hire a teen girl to come in once a week to give you and your wife a break.  Another thing I used to say to hubby was seeing the dishes washed after dinner or the hoovering done for example was worth far more than any bottle of perfume or flowers (while still nice to get) and it actually makes the wife want to please her husband more.

Another thing is look at chores that can be outsourced or made easier, I do my grocery shopping online and get it delivered.  If you can get a cleaner for €10 per hour for example (not sure of where you are from so it might be entirely different), 2 or 3 hours once a week can get bathrooms, floors and surfaces clean or 5 hours once a month and do bedrooms and bathrooms and floors.  Obviously if budget not there then don't.

Lastly, don't and I mean don't look at other families and think they have it ordered.  It just isn't true.  My bottom floor house remains clean and tidy but the 'ahem...lived in look', my upstairs is quite the opposite and because I don't let people ramble around my house, I don't see it as a priority to mind.

Freeing up the chores a bit can take the pressure off your wife where the kids are concerned and getting some free time through paid help might be the way to go otherwise. To be fair, there is not a lot of 'hands on' at the moment with kids directly given their ages, so take some of the daily grind off her hands where you can so that she doesn't feel swamped with all of it.

[MundaCorMeum]

I have 8 children, and we also do not live near family
  It's a huge cross, but everyone has theirs to carry.  It's hard not to feel guilty when I see others with lots of outside help.  But I remind myself that comparison is the thief of joy, and God gave me my own set of circumstances, not someone else's for a reason.  Perhaps of I lived near family,it would have destroyed our relationship (I am blessed to have a wonderful relationship with my in-laws.).  Whatever the reason is, though, it doesn't matter.  God deigned that this situation is best for me and my family's salvation, so here wee are.  My job is to embrace it with love, gratitude, and joy; as coming from the hands of Our Lord who loves me and wants only what is best for me.  Your wife's attitude toward her daily struggles is of utmost importance. It's incredibly hard, but it is absolutely the cornerstone to a happy marriage and family life.  That's not to say she has to be fake and pretend like everything is rainbows and unicorns all the time.  It's perfectly acceptable and good to face reality and admit that what she is doing is hard,and that raising children without extended help from family is not the ideal.  But, from there she must learn how to not let the truth of that paralyze her or stop her from tackling the work with good will.  Yes, it's hard.  The work must be done anyway.  It helps to remember, too, that God does not expect perfection, He expects faithfulness.  Of she faithfully meets each day with the intention to care and love the children, to teach them the Faith, and to teach them right from wrong, then I promise God will bless her efforts.  That doesn't mean she will never fall or make mistakes.  She will.  As long as she doesn't give up, though. .that's the important part. 

One practical piece of advice to help her sanity: both of you should sit down and discuss each other's top 3 things you would like done during the day for you to feel at peace in your home. Then, your wife can focus on making those three things happen each day, and not feel guilty if nothing else gets done.  She will not be able to keep up with ALL the things.  It's literally impossible.  But, she can keep up with the most important ones.  People have to eat, so meals and a relatively clean kitchen have to happen.  People need to be clothed, so some laundry needs to happen each day (bonus tip: the laundry wit never be "done".  Just accept it as a part of your regular routine).  As long as there is some positive progress on laundry each day, that's good enough.  From there, she can work on your top 3 list and hers.  Any thing else is gravy.

I would encourage you, as the husband, to try and look around and. E proactive about doing things for her.  Obviously, if it's important to her, she should ask.... you're not a mind reader.  But, if you notice the laundry piling up more than usual, do an act of charity for your wife and do it without being asked.

Finally, a happy marriage is also SO important to having healthy, normal, holy children.  Do not put your relationship on the back burner during these years of being in the trenches.  You don't even need a regular date night for you to nourish your marriage well (second bonus tip: dare night won't happen at all likely, with lots of littles around).  But, you can wash dishes with her and have a conversation, feed the kids early and put them to bed then cook a meal together, have a laundry folding/movie date while kids nap.  Find ways to show your wife you love her regularly, and I promise she will naturally want to do the same for you in return.

[MundaCorMeum]

This blog was very instrumental in helping to teach me how to be a good mother:. http://likemotherlikedaughter.org/.  Like your wife,I also had to learn along the way.  Still am!

[queen.saints]

This blog was very instrumental in helping to teach me how to be a good mother:. http://likemotherlikedaughter.org/.  Like your wife,I also had to learn along the way.  Still am!

Skimming through this blog and really like it! Thank you for sharing it.

Though, I definitely feel 1/3 vindicated 2/3 depressed that we are doing pretty much everything she recommends thus far that I've read, because I still feel like everything is out of control. Is this as good as it gets? 😅🥲


I laughed out loud at end of this post, because I was literally just about to procrastinate on cleaning by reading her book recommendations and the joke took me by surprise.

http://likemotherlikedaughter.org/2010/01/reasonably-clean-fairly-neat-and/

[queen.saints]

Trying to think of my "top 3's" that need to be done for me to feel at peace in the home.

1.) Everything has to be perfect


Ok, I see the problem here...

[MundaCorMeum]

Trying to think of my "top 3's" that need to be done for me to feel at peace in the home.

1.) Everything has to be perfect


Ok, I see the problem here...

Perfectionism is paralyzing.  Nip that in the bud quickly 

[MundaCorMeum]

This blog was very instrumental in helping to teach me how to be a good mother:. http://likemotherlikedaughter.org/.  Like your wife,I also had to learn along the way.  Still am!

Skimming through this blog and really like it! Thank you for sharing it.

Though, I definitely feel 1/3 vindicated 2/3 depressed that we are doing pretty much everything she recommends thus far that I've read, because I still feel like everything is out of control. Is this as good as it gets? 😅🥲


I laughed out loud at end of this post, because I was literally just about to procrastinate on cleaning by reading her book recommendations and the joke took me by surprise.

http://likemotherlikedaughter.org/2010/01/reasonably-clean-fairly-neat-and/

Everything feels like it is out of control, because it is    YOU are not in control...God is.  It's not our job to be in control of everything.  It's our job to be faithful to the tasks He puts in front of you, and to have a reasonably good handle on them.  One of my favorite mantras is, "Do the next right thing."

And, yeah, I just love Auntie Leila!  She has recently compiled ALL her blog posts into a 3 volume book set.  I plan to get it at some point.  Such a treasure!

[Jayne]

Lots of great advice in this thread.  I have 7 children and also share the experience that it gets easier in many ways after the third.  Most people I know with large families say that.

I can't answer your question about coping without grandparents because I had a very active and helpful mother-in-law during my first years of parenthood.  But perhaps I can encourage you to fight against any temptations to jealousy you might have towards those blessed in that way.

In hindsight I have a much better appreciation of just how helpful and well-meaning my mother-in-law was.  At the time, it often felt like interference and criticism.  For example, she disapproved of how long I chose to breastfeed and of our decision to homeschool.  I found this difficult to deal with. 

I suspect that it is typical for involvement from grandparents to come with a bit of a price. As Munda said, we all have crosses.

[MundaCorMeum]

Lots of great advice in this thread.  I have 7 children and also share the experience that it gets easier in many ways after the third.  Most people I know with large families say that.

I can't answer your question about coping without grandparents because I had a very active and helpful mother-in-law during my first years of parenthood.  But perhaps I can encourage you to fight against any temptations to jealousy you might have towards those blessed in that way.

In hindsight I have a much better appreciation of just how helpful and well-meaning my mother-in-law was.  At the time, it often felt like interference and criticism.  For example, she disapproved of how long I chose to breastfeed and of our decision to homeschool.  I found this difficult to deal with. 

I suspect that it is typical for involvement from grandparents to come with a bit of a price. As Munda said, we all have crosses.

yes, exactly.  It falls under "be careful what you wish for" and "the grass is not always greener".  Raising a family is hard...full stop.  No matter what your situation.  Of course, some are dealt harder hands than others.  I had a very wise priest tell me one time, when I was working in youth ministry, "if your job is easy, you're doing something wrong."  I think that definitely applies to parenthood.  It's desigend to take hard work and effort.  It is meant to stretch us to uncomfortable levels.  This is our sanctification.  It is going to take alot on our parts for it to happen.  Not that we have to alwasy choose the hardest way of doing things, as some sort of martrydom syndrome, but if we always expect and hope for the easiest route, we will be sorely disappointed. 

[MaximGun]

We signed up to a local voluntary service, a charity, that helped people who have social issues and mothers who are struggling.

They usually deal with white trash sort of people where the parents are somewhat pathetic, but because we were not pathetic the old lady (who used to be a school teacher) really found she enjoyed her time with our kids.  Our house was clean and our children were polite and listened when she read to them.  Then we made friends with her and she and her husband would come over and help out on a completely private basis and for free.  Nothing to do with the charity.  This was even better for her because there was no paperwork to file.

We are still good friends with them now.  They are lapsed Catholics who had a couple of children who moved away and they don't see their own grandchildren very often.  I bet if you look locally you could find such a symbiotic relationship.  There are lots of 60 year old wannabe grandmothers who would like to help you clean your kitchen and read to your children and they could well be vastly superior to your own in-laws, since they don't have the parental thing over you and cannot nag to the same degree.  If the first does not work out, find another.

[GiftOfGod]

Although your situation is not ideal, try and look at the benefits: you won't have Prots influencing your children in your home. Regarding controlled kids at Mass, you have to teach them deep reverence for the Eucharist. Sort of like "indoor voices" and "outdoor voices". The next few years will be a difficult, no doubt, because your kids are too young to do things themselves or help out. But you've got to do what you've got to do.