Husband With Married Friend Who Sleeps With Other Women

[Fluffy]

I was once having dinner with my husband, my sister-in-law, and her husband.  Somehow the subject of going to strip clubs came up and my sister-in-law said something about how you can look but you can't touch as is the typical secular casual attitude. I asked her directly if it would it be okay with her if her husband went to such a place and she said she did not care.  I asserted my belief that it is very wrong to patronize strip clubs due to how it objectifies and degrades the women there and is essentially committing adultery.  Everyone was very uncomfortable with my statement, but nobody argued with me at that point.  We just changed the subject and moved on. 

You can't convince people regarding what is right and what is wrong, that's between them and God.  But there's nothing wrong with stating your mind on such subjects and knowing that God and His church backs you up.  Don't expect people to change quickly or to change at all.  It will be on God's time if at all.

[erin is nice]

Yeah, really.  This guy's wife is ok with him having many girlfriends.  I'm not ok with my Husband having this guy as a friend.  I'm not ok with the thought that he is ok with this man as his friend.  But I'm being the big bad guy saying no, it's not ok.  So now he has to tell this guy (Hubby has alot in common with him, not the women) he can't be friends cuz his wife won't let him.  That's not ok with me.  I don't want to be one of THOSE wives, but that's the position I've been put into.  Now what?  Is this Catholic?  Am I just being a witchy-poo?  I don't think so, but I'm being questioned.

Are you the one who posted once somewhere else that your husband was unfaithful in the past? If that's the case, you need to be one of "THOSE wives", because I think it would be a terrible temptation for him. It's not the same as dealing with a trustworthy spouse.

[Greg]

Lie with dogs, you'll likely get fleas.

I avoid scumbags like the plague, because they have a nasty habit of their self-inflicted shitty lives infecting mine and causing me damage or loss.

Even if a man isn't tempted to cheat on his wife because he hangs around with a cheater, my experience with such people has been that they have other issues like drug use or debt problem or IRS problems or dishonesty in the way they conduct their business.

Sooner or later you are asked to post bail or give them a false alibi or in some other way they draw you into their phucked up lives.  You will find it very difficult to stay compartmentalised and not have some favour called in or have psychological pressure to help them.

[verenaerin]

Your marriage is everything, EVERYTHING. It is the most important factor in a family, even more important then the kids. The reason being is that your marriage is the foundation from which everything rests upon. It is the security and love that you, your spouse, and your children depend on. It is the union from which heavenly graces flow from to aid you in your journey to Heaven.

So if you feel like there is something that is threatening that, even in the slightest- remove it like the cancer it is. Be that woman that says no to certain companions. Why? Because you value your marriage. Your cherish it and realize that it is priceless. You love your husband and would cut out any woman's eyes that would dare threaten him. (I would) So why would it be any different with a bad companion. You wouldn't give your kids a cake with just a little poison? "Well it's only one ingredient, one the whole it's very health." What crap!

I am not saying that you can only hang out with perfect people, who obviously don't exist. But this is your marriage and you should defend it. It is unfortunate that your husband doesn't feel the same way. But perhaps with distance he will get some perspective.

I will include your situation in my Rosary tonight.

[dymphna17]

Yes, EIN, that is me.  I think I'm alright going into CIA mode for a while and will watch like a hawk and see what happens.  Let the dog hang himself if he is a dog.  God enlightened me before, He'll do it again if necessary.  Thank you all for the prayers.  These people may need it more than me though, if I find something wrong.  God will be all they have.  Meanwhile, the honey will flow.  He just told me he is moving his plane tomorrow to a more suitable hanger.  Good news!   

[OCLittleFlower]

Ahh okay, I didn't realize he had been unfaithful in the past.  It doesn't sound like your DH is in a position to be a positive example for this man, and he may be influenced by him instead.

I'd pitch a fit.

[Sockpuppet]

Your husband's past does cast a different light on it. 

[Fluffy]

Your husband's past does cast a different light on it.

I agree.  I do know from experience that you cannot coerce another adult to do or not do anything.  It can often backfire.  In your situation I would remind him everytime he's with this friend, that you are not okay with it, but you unfortunately for you, you can't dictate who his friends are.  Let him know that it makes you feel..... fill in the blank, stressed, worried, sad, disrespected, or whatever it does make you feel.  Try to be very honest with him about your feelings and it will help him notice if he is not returning same courtesy to you.

[tradne4163]

I've said it before, and I'll say it again. Take this before Our Lord in the Blessed Sacrament.

Sent from my Kyocera Rise on Tapatalk 4 Beta

[Fluffy]

Hey Dymphna.. aren't you guys relatively newlyweds?  I think when you get married later in life, the first 3-5 years are a living hell.  It's hard to share your life when you're so used to living on your own.  For myself and my husband, each month gets easier, but the beginning was the worst.  If not for my strong convictions, I would not have remained married.  Hang in there, it will get better.

[dymphna17]

Oddly enough Fluffy, we've been married for 32 years now.  The first few were very hard then we coasted for a while.  Now this.  If we had not had ArchBishop Lefebvre's approval for marriage, I don't think we'd have lasted.  His blessing is here, I just have to find it.

Does it matter that he didn't sleep with this woman, only had a romantic relationship for over a year? 

[Anastasia]

Yeah, this guy is bad news. He will definitely try and influence your husband, because I don't believe for a second that he and his wife's consciences are quiet. People who talk a lot about their sins and how totally fine with it they are never are as satisfied as they try to sound. For that reason, I'd bet he's already trying to get your husband to be OK with it all, because he needs to have someone tell him that to help stifle his conscience. I'd make that point to your husband, probably with a side of what Greg said, that he's going to use him for his own ends.

[Fluffy]

Oddly enough Fluffy, we've been married for 32 years now.  The first few were very hard then we coasted for a while.  Now this.  If we had not had ArchBishop Lefebvre's approval for marriage, I don't think we'd have lasted.  His blessing is here, I just have to find it.

Does it matter that he didn't sleep with this woman, only had a romantic relationship for over a year?

Well it helps sure.  Are you and your husband still close?  Whatever you can do to foster closeness will help in your situation.  I don't know why I was remembering that you were a newlywed.  I'm sure you are more of an expert than me!  I've only been married 4+ years.

[LouisIX]

In my opinion, people shouldn't keep familiar company with public sinners.  There's something about this sleezeball that allows him to be a sleezeball, an underlying principle that you wouldn't want your husband to 'catch' even if it doesn't manifest itself in unfaithfulness.

Of course, you don't have any authority to stop him.  Emulate St Monica, who prayed for her husbands conversion.  I know it's not conversion, but nevertheless it's serious.  Make your wishes known to him, and use reason.  Tell him why it's bad and wrong beyond the immediate impact it has on you.  Men generally respond more quickly to reason.

And we'll keep you in our Rosary intentions.

I think Dylan, Greg, and others are right.  Your husband shouldn't be hanging around with this guy.  If your husband isn't influencing this friend to repent then there's likely a good chance that your husband is being exposed to this guy's dangerous thinking.  Obviously your husband doesn't condone what his friend is doing, but perhaps he's less reactive to it because it's his friend.

Perhaps your husband should tell him that he can't be friends with him if he continues this behavior.  Maybe a man-to-man intervention could do some good.  If not, I'd cut the relationship loose.

And while it's true that you have no authority over your husband, you do have his ear.  His no. 1 job is to love you, which means listening to you (truly listening) and considering what is best for you and your marriage before himself.  So tell him how you feel.  It's very important.

[Adeodatus]

I will be the voice of disagreement here. Perhaps it is influenced by the fact that I live in one of the red counties besieging the most liberal city in Texas, a city that is basically a zoo for people who think they're Willie Nelson, but that also happens to be a convenient urban center, seat of state government, location of our place of worship, etc. The point is, there's very little way to avoid having liberal friends in that city unless you'd prefer to have no friends there at all.

As it happens, one of my best friends is a former pagan priest (he admits that he did it "for the chicks", just like anyone might have expected). He's a very charming and genteel fellow who sleeps around continuously and gave up on marrying the woman who would have settled him down (somewhat... she's pretty big on going to strip clubs so he'd still have that) but he passed because she wanted a child "someday". He asked me point blank one time if I thought he was going to Hell even though he was a nice person. Of course I looked him in the eyes and told him that he probably would if he didn't change his ways. Obviously I could cut him off and not be his friend but what good would that do him? He doesn't do any harm to me and I regard him fondly despite his failings. I hope for the best for him.

We also have friends who are part-time nudists and "polyamorous", which is just a fancy-talking way of saying "open marriage". It's too bad they're so dumb but my wife and I don't varnish our opinions around them. I don't think there's a single other person in their lives who expresses verbal belief in God, disgust at abortion, or perhaps even patriotic sentiment. I wouldn't go so far as to call them "genteel" in the way that my other friend is... they're more like urban, computer-programming barbarians, but they are friendly in their own way.

If I thought that such friends would influence our behavior I'd be astonished... astonished at how weak and stupid we would be! But since neither my wife nor I are weak nor stupid, it isn't a problem. You can visit with all sorts of people and the scope of what you have in common with them can be extremely narrow, but if you are able to get along then there appears to be no disadvantage to the believer and a potential advantage to the unbeliever.

As far as the OP's husband's past history, the details aren't relevant. I readily admit that I have no experience with infidelity, if that is what is at issue, so I don't have a frame of reference for imagining the feelings involved. But the feelings do not seem to be relevant, either. If the trespass has been forgiven then the matter is closed. If the matter is not closed and it is still a cause for distrust, suspicion and emotional punishment then the sin that needs to be addressed is not that of the lascivious acquaintance.