Losing my temper a lot with 3 yr old

[diaduit]

I did a long reply and click to post and it disappeared somewhere ....aaaaghhh

[Gardener]

I did a long reply and click to post and it disappeared somewhere ....aaaaghhh

Check under the forum's bed, or in the heating/cooling vents, and even perhaps in a closet; depending on its size, have the forum open its hand hidden behind its back, or mouth if it won't speak.

#toddlerForum

[maryslittlegarden]

I did a long reply and click to post and it disappeared somewhere ....aaaaghhh

The dryer ate it.  It will return as three odd Tupperware lids.

[Josephine87]

Thank you to everyone else who shared their advice. It gives me some hope and confidence, very helpful!

[Gardener]

At least you can spell, right? 

[Carleendiane]

L.O.L.....just that. Wow. Just wow.

[Carleendiane]

I did a long reply and click to post and it disappeared somewhere ....aaaaghhh

The dryer ate it.  It will return as three odd Tupperware lids.

Yes, MLG. My Tupperware grows with each pair of readers I lose.

[Chestertonian]

hmm.

well, first, i would suggest examining the lens through which you view your three year old.  when you use labels like "obstinate" and "misbehaved" you're putting him in a box and sometimes that can create a self fulfilling prophecy.  Try to see him in a more charitable way and it will be easier to have the type of relationship you want with him.  For example, when my 2 year old says "NO!" when his grandmother tells him to come over there and get his shoes on so they can leave the house.  I can label that as "defiance" or I could see his words as his own little way of saying "Hey, can't you see that I was in the middle of building a very important cityscape with my Duplos?" or "Excuse me, I'm in the middle of solving a very important problem at my train table over here, and wherever you're about to take me is not nearly as compelling!" 

I relate a lot to the experiences of toddlers and preschoolers because i'm in a position where I have to depend on other people for virtually everything but i'm also a grown man so I have that drive and desire to be fully independent and to do things myself.  I have my preferences for how things are done, and I have to cope with watching other people do it differently than I'd prefer--everything from the way they position me in bed, to scheduling things, to managing the household.  We have a 2 year old who often throws a fit if he doesn't get what he wants when he wants it.  I often laugh to myself as my wife and my mother get frustrated at how they say things like "Ask in your nice voice!" and "if you keep screaming for a glass of water you're not getting any water at all."  Try having a parched mouth and having to wait for someone to get you a drink because you can't get a drink for yourself.  It's legit difficult to have to wait that long, I know because I have to do it.  It's that horrible disconnect between knowing what you want, and not being able to do what you need to do to take care of yourself.

You've been there, it's just unlikely that you remember that feeling.

I really like the montessori mindset of teaching children as young as possible to do things independently.  yes your child might spill milk as he learns to pour himself a glass of milk but it's worth the cleanup because in the long run the sense of agency they get from doing things independently counteracts the feeling of powerlessness that comes from being 2/3/4

[diaduit]

hmm.

well, first, i would suggest examining the lens through which you view your three year old.  when you use labels like "obstinate" and "misbehaved" you're putting him in a box and sometimes that can create a self fulfilling prophecy.  Try to see him in a more charitable way and it will be easier to have the type of relationship you want with him.  For example, when my 2 year old says "NO!" when his grandmother tells him to come over there and get his shoes on so they can leave the house.  I can label that as "defiance" or I could see his words as his own little way of saying "Hey, can't you see that I was in the middle of building a very important cityscape with my Duplos?" or "Excuse me, I'm in the middle of solving a very important problem at my train table over here, and wherever you're about to take me is not nearly as compelling!" 

I relate a lot to the experiences of toddlers and preschoolers because i'm in a position where I have to depend on other people for virtually everything but i'm also a grown man so I have that drive and desire to be fully independent and to do things myself.  I have my preferences for how things are done, and I have to cope with watching other people do it differently than I'd prefer--everything from the way they position me in bed, to scheduling things, to managing the household.  We have a 2 year old who often throws a fit if he doesn't get what he wants when he wants it.  I often laugh to myself as my wife and my mother get frustrated at how they say things like "Ask in your nice voice!" and "if you keep screaming for a glass of water you're not getting any water at all."  Try having a parched mouth and having to wait for someone to get you a drink because you can't get a drink for yourself.  It's legit difficult to have to wait that long, I know because I have to do it.  It's that horrible disconnect between knowing what you want, and not being able to do what you need to do to take care of yourself.

You've been there, it's just unlikely that you remember that feeling.

I really like the montessori mindset of teaching children as young as possible to do things independently.  yes your child might spill milk as he learns to pour himself a glass of milk but it's worth the cleanup because in the long run the sense of agency they get from doing things independently counteracts the feeling of powerlessness that comes from being 2/3/4

But ches how do you do all that while you're cooking dinner or rushing out the door for an appointment or you have another sick child who needs your attention or the cat just wee'd on the floor or the postman is at the door waiting for you to sign for a package.......

Yes children get frustrated but the need to learn to balance their frustrations in light of whats going on around them.  If you're parched with the thirst and waiting for a glass of water from your wife but you can see that she is just serving up dinner to the kids, you can see that all she needs is another few minutes before she can give you one.  You decide to wait a few minutes out of consideration for your wife, that is because you are an adult who has had reached the maturity to understand that your own needs do not always come first......training from childhood taught you this.
Just say I am gathering all the kids together for the drive into Sunday morning mass, I have spent the last 20 mins shouting 'have you got your coats on, anyone need the loo go now, johnny where are your shoes, mary did you brush your teeth , while I am packing the range with fuel to keep the fire going, closing windows and doors, looking for keys, strapping smallies into car seats......but when little johnny gets frustrated because I am telling him to come now, I have to stop , think about his needs ie finishing off his lego and he starts screaming in temper!!  Sorry but the child has to learn the needs of the whole family are first and he cannot dictate the pace or atmosphere of the family home.
All being said if a reasoned request of 'come now johnny we are in a hurry please get into the car' works , thats super but nine times out of ten you have to just override his feelings and just get him into the car.  He is learning how to become a reasonable adult who knows he is not the centre of the universe.

[james03]

Each child has a different personality.  Adjust your discipline style to the kid.  For one kid a spanking does wonders.  For others, you use a different approach.  It's still virtuous to correct bad behavior, whatever the method.

Also be sure to rule out reactive hypoglycemia.  I had a horrible problem with one child.  If your child is great after meals, but then gets bad when he is hungry, it is something to look into.  If it is hypoglycemia, you have to feed them about 6 times a day and cut out sugar and carbs.  Stuff them with fat.  Greasy, fatty breakfasts cooked in butter are your friend.  It solved our problem.

Your husband should also help out.  He should make sure the kids say "yes mam" and "no mam" to you.  He should also never be disrespectful to you in front of the kids.

[bigbadtrad]

What calms me down is a picture I leave in my wallet. It's my 1st born at 3 months old. She's so little, so sweat, never a bad moment and I realize 2 things mostly...

The first is how short I really have this child in my life. And every second she perfects me as much as I "try" to perfect her. It's humbling to realize how she perfects me. On a lighter note for every time you lose your patience the more they will do the same later on.

I should mention that I "lose my patience" with my tone, but never my spirit. I may sound angry but it's only a show. I use it only to tell them to calm down now and come and see me. Once they do I speak softly. I only do that to stop them from acting crazy.

The second is I think of that little one as "how would I have wanted to be treated as a child?" Honestly I'm glad I was spanked and believe in it only if it's immediately after the fact and hard enough where its a deterrent and I've tried a lot of techniques. I would want my parents to be tough on me to be responsible so when I get older I have the sense of duty and work ethic. So this is how I do it.

On a side note I find the moment my children aren't helping in the house the worse they get. Even if they are sweeping my dirt pile or my wife's all over the house because they don't understand. It's the spirit and it helps them tremendously. I get them helping cleaning at 2.5 years and if you have a smaller child you want to instill into them "this is your baby, you have to protect them." The more of a sense of duty you put into a child they learn to focus on things outside of themselves and it distracts their childish egotism. They sit up and help me make scrambled eggs, just keep them focused on the spirit of helping constantly.