It's So Hard To Love My Wife

[drummerboy]

I wish I had some of his problems, I wouldn't mind having kids to feed and work for.  Hearing guys at work bi*$h about their kids really gets me PO'd. Be a man, take charge of the in-law situation (if it means you don't talk to them for a long time, then that's what it takes), and examine yourself.  Your wife faithfully raises your 5 children and you're disgusted with her!?  Every marriage has bad times where you wonder why you married that dang woman.  I'll sometimes stew about it at work personally.  When I do that I pray, because that's Satan the deceiver whispering in your ear trying to destroy the holy institution of matrimony.  I've been tempted to vent my problems here too, but sometimes airing it makes it worse, it can drag the scenario out.  I can't emphasize enough: you cannot change the past or the situation you're in now, you can change your response.  Abandoning your wife and children won't make it any better, you'll just end up despising yourself too.  Apart from some sins which it seems you're wife has done her penance for (and continues too, raising your children and maintaining the house), you haven't given us any reason she's a "bad wife" presently. 

In any chain of command, be it business, military, etc, when things go wrong the guy at the top is the one whose head rolls.  You are the lord and master of your household.  From your in-laws' treatment of you, they don't respect your authority one bit.  And that rests with you.  I suspect you've given in to nice guy syndrome, where you just let's things just go on in life to get along.  If a man doesn't feel like a jerk once in awhile he's a bad husband because he's not taking responsibility.  Imagine an officer or business supervisor always being nice, things would fall to pieces.  For some reason men never translate this over to their marriage, they have to play nice, and then they're the 40 something year old guy who follows his wife around and everyone says "you know who wears the pants in that house!" behind his back.

[Michael Wilson]

Pray for the grace to love and forgive your wife.

This is the very best advice and course of action.

[LausTibiChriste]

From the timeline that he gives, he found out about the problem after they were married; it would be grounds for an annulment, except that he stuck around for five children, which means that he accepted to be married to her despite her problem; which means those grounds are no longer valid. If he doesn't have an STD by now, and their children don't, then it was a false positive reading.

This is the real answer.

You can't get 5 kids deep and THEN want an annulment

[Baylee]

Have you discussed this with a traditional Catholic priest? 

[diaduit]

JMJ
T

The shame this brings me and my children is unbearable. I pray but outside God's very help I do not love my Wife at all. It's not easy and we don't know what to do. I am attached to creatures in order to avoid thinking about this. I come home after 14hrs at work and sit outside. I have a couple beers and text friends. We fake loving one another for the sake of our children. And truly she does love me and does everything for me. But it seems impossible to love her back. Every single act of love is supernatural, I have no emotion or natural desire to love her at all.

I just want to forget. She waited long enough to tell me that I don't know why she did. I have never had STDs, I don't even know if the diagnosis was true. There were never any apparent signs.

What does the bold part mean?

Were you a virgin when you married?

I'm going to say something blunt....are you tired of the marriage and found a fault( which if you both were not practicing Catholics, most likely you both had a history before meeting) that you can focus on to give you more of a reason to hate your wife so that you don't feel like a shit and you feel justified for 'checking out'....divorce or separation should be off the table once kids are born.  You use words like 'she manipulated an unnatural act'...' she got an std and brought shame on her family'....you are using phrases to make her as dirty and mean as possible which doesn't sound right for a woman in 21st century who has embraced Catholicism and had 5 children.

Are you flirting with another woman? are you texting another woman?  Something fishy going on here.....

[TradGranny]

Have you prayed the Our Father lately?

"and forgive us our sins as we forgive those who trespass against us."

Ask yourself if you want Almighty God to treat you as you are treating your wife.

[james03]

When did you find out? Recently?

Kent shows up with his keen eye again.  Yeah, the problem is the deceit, the fornication is secondary.

First, differentiate between Justice and Hatred.  Justice is a virtue, and a desire for Justice ultimately rests in God. Hatred is malice, and it must be expelled from your heart. 

Telling you to get over it is not very helpful, and will only allow the demon termites to burrow deeper in your heart, and crap their hatred all inside of it.

Your wife was deceitful and what she did was a trash move.  And your desire to get some justice is normal and righteous.  This is the truth, and stating it to yourself is good.  And ultimately talking to your wife about it and telling her what she did was deceitful and has harmed your marriage.

Hatred, however, can not be allowed.  For as long as it takes (likely a week), every day LOOK upon a crucifix and say, "Thank you Jesus".  That's it.  Develop the gratitude for Jesus choosing Mercy, suffering HORRIBLY for YOU, instead of God turning His Eyes of Glorious Wrath upon YOU for the sins you have committed.  Do this exercise.

Note the distinction.  You recognize the real "wrong" of her deceit and your natural desire to see some Justice.  However you recognize that Hatred is not allowed.

You have 5 kids.  You get up and work 80 hrs. a week, so you are a man who understands Duty and Honor.  How do you like getting up early every morning and coming home late?  Sucks, but you HAVE to do it, because that is the Duty to your family.  How will you like fixing the damage of your wife's F-up?  Sucks, but you have a Duty to your children to give them a good family life.

Besides using the crucifix to drive out hatred, I have another suggestion.  Talk to your wife and start working things out.  Then tell her you all are going to do a 5-minute renewal of your marriage vows in front of the priest.  However, she needs to come clean and tell you how many times this has happened, just the count, not the graphic details.  Let her know you are going to forgive her, but if she is deceitful again, she is really going to trash the marriage.

This seems really serious and you two need to talk it out in front of a priest.  Fix the hatred first before talking to your wife, and a priest should be involved considering where you are at.  Ultimately you are going to forgive your wife, and TELL her "I forgive you", but not by overlooking it, but by ADDRESSING THE PROBLEM like men do.  You feel like crap right now.  Forgiveness gets rid of it and places a big treasure of Charity waiting for you in heaven.

Also, I'm assuming your wife has gone to confession.  We know from Divine Law that He forgave her.  Are you better than God?

[Mushroom]

I guess if you were a virgin when you married and she lied about it, that would be a problem.

If you're upset about her past just because, it's understandable, but you will have to do some healing and move past it for the sake of your marriage and kids.

[Trad_Anon_John]

Very few of You gave great advice, and thank You very much for it. Much of it is actually already in practice and has been for a long time, thanks be to God.

To rattle off just a few responses from the top of my head:

I forgave my Wife when she told me. She said to me she'd like to tell me something she had never told me, and interiorally I turned to Our Blessed Lord and said, whatever comes out her mouth I am willing to forgive her and I do already so long as Thou grantest me the grace; and He did, and it was very signal. So don't think I ain't FORGAVE her. I just find it difficult to love her as much as I'd like to love her because of this. I pray novena after novena, and very much all day I have off work asking for the grace to forgive her more and to love her more.

No, I don't play nice with my in-laws. The best thing for my family is that they don't have a part in our lives going forward, but I've never wanted to mention this to my Wife. My Wife came to me and said it the other day herself, so I don't expect them to have much to do with us anymore.

English is quite obviously my first language.
No, I'm not tired of marriage and looking for an excuse for an annulment. I've put up with this torment when it comes around for almost the last 10 years and have five children.
We're never talking about this again, and we're never talking about it with a priest lmao. I don't want to talk about it, I made this account a month ago and just now got around to posting. Based on the responses—which I've read only once today at the end—I probably won't even open this again.
I plan on discussing it somewhat in the confessional. It feels like it's the reason behind so many of my sins. And I know I'm at fault for that, I'm not excusing myself of sin. I just confess things like an occasional act of anger and the priest forgives me, but I've never told him I only have certain sin issues because of this. (Literally was NEVER an angry person before).
Why am I being suspected of flirting with other women, desiring an annulment, not forgiving my Wife, being derelict in my duties regarding in-laws or my children, etc.? Lmao.
Uh, yeah it's pretty shameful to walk into a clinic with my Wife of 10 years and our five beautiful children asking for both of us to be tested for STDs. What planet is this man from?
And maybe those men who raised many children without working so much actually owned the roof over their heads? I came from nothing, every person in my life was toxic. I have no parents, no siblings, no in-laws, no anybody. I want a few acres of land to build a cabin, a comfortable vehicle for my family, and so I work. Am I wrong for working for my family which is poor and owns nothing? Maybe You would have it better we live in section 8 and eat the goyslop. Maybe then I could love my Wife better, right?
Yeah changing diapers is a father's duty too. I guess my point is after I've finished working for 14 hours in 130° F boiler conditions I come home and don't ALWAYS do it. Sometimes I INTEND not to because I'm tired, but when I see my Wife has to, I make an act of love by the grace of God to do it for her. What's hard to understand about that?

TL;DR: I really love my Wife, but only when I'm given the grace; and I pray for the grace all the time. I'm just not holy to receive it enough, or I love her so much that this one thing hurts me to no end.

[Trad_Anon_John]

Feels like a bunch of redditors got on here to flame me lol.

Please don't take it down though, mods.

Because I do love my Wife and want to love her more, I came to the only corner of the internet (fellow trad caths) I can actually trust and think can help.

[Kent]

I'm confused by the knee jerk animosity some posters have toward OP.

[LausTibiChriste]

I'm confused by the knee jerk animosity some posters have toward OP.

We get trolls...and very few posts like this one.. it's a natural reaction

[Bonaventure]

What planet is this man from?

One where I don't need to make a second account to whine and cry about my wife who bore five children for me.

[diaduit]

Very few of You gave great advice, and thank You very much for it. Much of it is actually already in practice and has been for a long time, thanks be to God.

To rattle off just a few responses from the top of my head:

I forgave my Wife when she told me. She said to me she'd like to tell me something she had never told me, and interiorally I turned to Our Blessed Lord and said, whatever comes out her mouth I am willing to forgive her and I do already so long as Thou grantest me the grace; and He did, and it was very signal. So don't think I ain't FORGAVE her. I just find it difficult to love her as much as I'd like to love her because of this. I pray novena after novena, and very much all day I have off work asking for the grace to forgive her more and to love her more.

No, I don't play nice with my in-laws. The best thing for my family is that they don't have a part in our lives going forward, but I've never wanted to mention this to my Wife. My Wife came to me and said it the other day herself, so I don't expect them to have much to do with us anymore.

English is quite obviously my first language.
No, I'm not tired of marriage and looking for an excuse for an annulment. I've put up with this torment when it comes around for almost the last 10 years and have five children.
We're never talking about this again, and we're never talking about it with a priest lmao. I don't want to talk about it, I made this account a month ago and just now got around to posting. Based on the responses—which I've read only once today at the end—I probably won't even open this again.
I plan on discussing it somewhat in the confessional. It feels like it's the reason behind so many of my sins. And I know I'm at fault for that, I'm not excusing myself of sin. I just confess things like an occasional act of anger and the priest forgives me, but I've never told him I only have certain sin issues because of this. (Literally was NEVER an angry person before).
Why am I being suspected of flirting with other women, desiring an annulment, not forgiving my Wife, being derelict in my duties regarding in-laws or my children, etc.? Lmao.
Uh, yeah it's pretty shameful to walk into a clinic with my Wife of 10 years and our five beautiful children asking for both of us to be tested for STDs. What planet is this man from?
And maybe those men who raised many children without working so much actually owned the roof over their heads? I came from nothing, every person in my life was toxic. I have no parents, no siblings, no in-laws, no anybody. I want a few acres of land to build a cabin, a comfortable vehicle for my family, and so I work. Am I wrong for working for my family which is poor and owns nothing? Maybe You would have it better we live in section 8 and eat the goyslop. Maybe then I could love my Wife better, right?
Yeah changing diapers is a father's duty too. I guess my point is after I've finished working for 14 hours in 130° F boiler conditions I come home and don't ALWAYS do it. Sometimes I INTEND not to because I'm tired, but when I see my Wife has to, I make an act of love by the grace of God to do it for her. What's hard to understand about that?

TL;DR: I really love my Wife, but only when I'm given the grace; and I pray for the grace all the time. I'm just not holy to receive it enough, or I love her so much that this one thing hurts me to no end.

I'm glad to hear this, you still haven't answered - what creatures are you attaching yourself too from your op? 
I am no way trashing you as a provider or father or even husband but I've seen too many marriages where one spouse suddenly has a problem with their other half faults, blow it up and use it as a justification because they are flirting with someone else, I include a female family member doing this and the so called faults were complete b.s. She swore emphatically that she didn't have someone else when she left the marriage only for a few days later to find out she had. I know of soooo many stories like this. 
I'll take your word for it that this isn't an issue but I will also keep in mind that we only have one side of the story. 
Again, when did she confess this to you? and why on earth would you get your children to test for stds, are you saying that you asked for this after her confession?

[Baylee]

we're never talking about it with a priest lmao. I don't want to talk about it, I made this account a month ago and just now got around to posting. Based on the responses—which I've read only once today at the end—I probably won't even open this again.
I plan on discussing it somewhat in the confessional. It feels like it's the reason behind so many of my sins. And I know I'm at fault for that, I'm not excusing myself of sin. I just confess things like an occasional act of anger and the priest forgives me, but I've never told him I only have certain sin issues because of this. (Literally was NEVER an angry person before).

I don't think you have to speak to a priest with your wife present (in fact, that wasn't what I was thinking when I asked if you had).  Perhaps the confessional is a good place (where you can be anonymous), but I would try to set up an appointment for your confession, so he can give you as much time as necessary, ask follow-up questions, etc.