Attachment parenting

[diaduit]

Wow, so when you re started with the first, all signs of RAD disappeared?

I remember reading briefly about RAD children and there is just no curing it really.  You did so well Elizabeth and God bless you for perservering.

[Christina_S]

I have a mix bag of approaches to child rearing and a lot of it is learned in the moment of whatever learning curve presents itself.

My own take is that I am not a single method, I actually have no method because each child is different.  I have a general ethos that is adjustable over the years according to each child.

*snip*

I would disagree Christina that the 'cry it out' is a modern way of thinking, in fact it is the opposite.  I used this method on 2 kids and it worked (controlled crying).
What I don't like about full on attachment parenting is the 'child worship' element I find in it.  For example, never tell them no, distract them rather than tell them no, never tell them they have been bad....the endless tips for entertaining your child....now of course there are snippets in those mindsets thats fine but I have seen parents full on turn themselves inside out to NEVER say no, to always negotiate with the child and having palpitations because their child is bored and acting up.

See, my daughter is the most chill, relaxed person I have ever met. She didn't have any huge issues with sleep, wasn't colicky, and doesn't make a big fuss about much of anything. We never had the amount of crying that Curt Jester was talking about. I don't know if my approach would be the same with a more vocal child. 

I'm curious: what do you mean by controlled crying?

[queen.saints]

If you follow the same sleep schedule while pregnant that you want the baby to be on, the baby will naturally stay on that rhythm after birth.

It works amazingly well.

[OCLittleFlower]

I've known several families who've taken the attachment parenting round, and, well, judging the tree by the fruits, I wouldn't want to have to live with the children they've got. There's definitely a difference between having a healthy familial bond and becoming a slave to one's child's desires.

[diaduit]

I have a mix bag of approaches to child rearing and a lot of it is learned in the moment of whatever learning curve presents itself.

My own take is that I am not a single method, I actually have no method because each child is different.  I have a general ethos that is adjustable over the years according to each child.

*snip*

I would disagree Christina that the 'cry it out' is a modern way of thinking, in fact it is the opposite.  I used this method on 2 kids and it worked (controlled crying).
What I don't like about full on attachment parenting is the 'child worship' element I find in it.  For example, never tell them no, distract them rather than tell them no, never tell them they have been bad....the endless tips for entertaining your child....now of course there are snippets in those mindsets thats fine but I have seen parents full on turn themselves inside out to NEVER say no, to always negotiate with the child and having palpitations because their child is bored and acting up.

See, my daughter is the most chill, relaxed person I have ever met. She didn't have any huge issues with sleep, wasn't colicky, and doesn't make a big fuss about much of anything. We never had the amount of crying that Curt Jester was talking about. I don't know if my approach would be the same with a more vocal child. 

I'm curious: what do you mean by controlled crying?

Its where you let them cry for a period of time e.g. 10 mins then return into the bedroom and settle them with as little fuss as you can. Once settled, leave  again and let them cry for a bit longer and return again for e.g. 20 mins just to settle them again.  Then leave again and so on but stretch the return time each time.  The idea is that (it works) that the child learns just because you are not in the room doesn't mean you have disappeared and they get used to being by themselves and eventually after a couple of hours they get too tired to fuss so they just sleep.  3 nights is all it takes.  Now in saying that my last child who has an extreme end stubbornness and I'd say choleric to the backbone, just wouldn't sleep without being physically attached to me until he was 17 months old.  All mine had colic and 2 of those had silent reflux which is a whole other nightmare that no parent understands unless they have had children with SR.  It is 1 -2 years of sheer hell.

[LausTibiChriste]

I've known several families who've taken the attachment parenting round, and, well, judging the tree by the fruits, I wouldn't want to have to live with the children they've got. There's definitely a difference between having a healthy familial bond and becoming a slave to one's child's desires.

Proper attachment parenting (a la Dr Neufeld) is diametrically opposed to what some think attachment parenting is (being a slave to a child's desires).

[Christina_S]

I've known several families who've taken the attachment parenting round, and, well, judging the tree by the fruits, I wouldn't want to have to live with the children they've got. There's definitely a difference between having a healthy familial bond and becoming a slave to one's child's desires.

Proper attachment parenting (a la Dr Neufeld) is diametrically opposed to what some think attachment parenting is (being a slave to a child's desires).

I haven't read Dr. Neufeld's work much at all, Laus. Any good titles you could point me towards?

[MundaCorMeum]

I've known several families who've taken the attachment parenting round, and, well, judging the tree by the fruits, I wouldn't want to have to live with the children they've got. There's definitely a difference between having a healthy familial bond and becoming a slave to one's child's desires.

Proper attachment parenting (a la Dr Neufeld) is diametrically opposed to what some think attachment parenting is (being a slave to a child's desires).

Yes, I was going to say.... proper attachment parenting, from my understanding has the complete opposite goal of being a slave a child's desires.  It's properly meeting a child's *needs*, which includes the need to tell them no; to make them wait for attention when the parent is occupied; and to train them in proper obedience and respect.  The flip side of that coin is the parents' duty to be trustworthy for the child, so they can feel safe obeying the parents, knowing that all decisions the parents make are genuinely in the child's best interest, and are made with the child's spiritual and physical well-being in mind.  In attachment parenting, this starts with forming a strong bond with a newborn via lots of physical attachment practices, that gradually dissipate as the child grows and needs are fulfilled and no longer require that level of physical closeness.  It's a gradual, almost sliding scale type of progression. 

My personal experience with other parents is that the ones who practiced attachment parenting with young children are the better behaved, more polite children.  They are less peer oriented and much more capable of interacting with people of all ages in a comfortable and sociable manner, from little babies to toddlers to preschoolers to adults and elders.  These are the young boys I know who can look a grown man in the eye and give a firm handshake and "nice to meet you" without any prompting from their parents.

Though, I have definitely seen exceptions to that where it's taken to a disordered extreme and it's not pretty, as OCLF mentioned.  It's just the minority in my own experience

[MundaCorMeum]

If you follow the same sleep schedule while pregnant that you want the baby to be on, the baby will naturally stay on that rhythm after birth.

It works amazingly well.

Interesting!  I've never thought about that.  I'm not sure if I actually did that, but maybe I did,. because we have been incredibly blessed with children who have good sleep habits and (for the most part) always have.  That's not to say I've never been sleep deprived during newborn phases or teething bouts (it's just part of motherhood), but overall we've not had major sleep issues with our children.

[LausTibiChriste]

I've known several families who've taken the attachment parenting round, and, well, judging the tree by the fruits, I wouldn't want to have to live with the children they've got. There's definitely a difference between having a healthy familial bond and becoming a slave to one's child's desires.

Proper attachment parenting (a la Dr Neufeld) is diametrically opposed to what some think attachment parenting is (being a slave to a child's desires).

I haven't read Dr. Neufeld's work much at all, Laus. Any good titles you could point me towards?

Hold On To Your Kids is great and the work he's most well known for. I actually think I learned about that book on here (maybe some other Catholic source) years ago, even before I met my wife. He co-wrote it with Dr Gabor Mate - Dr Mate spent years in Vancouver's East Side (my VPD buddy knows him). As you're probably aware but maybe other posters aren't, Vancouver's East Side is one of the most drug-riddled locations on planet earth. Dr Mate is big on the theory that addiction mainly comes from childhood trauma that left a 'hole' - so it ties in a lot.

Super interesting.

Another good book (Dr Neufeld wrote the forward) is Eat Play Grow, by Deborah Macnamara. At least I think it's good, I ain't read it but my wife liked it. Ironically she's from Vancouver too. 

[LausTibiChriste]

I've known several families who've taken the attachment parenting round, and, well, judging the tree by the fruits, I wouldn't want to have to live with the children they've got. There's definitely a difference between having a healthy familial bond and becoming a slave to one's child's desires.

Proper attachment parenting (a la Dr Neufeld) is diametrically opposed to what some think attachment parenting is (being a slave to a child's desires).

Yes, I was going to say.... proper attachment parenting, from my understanding has the complete opposite goal of being a slave a child's desires.  It's properly meeting a child's *needs*, which includes the need to tell them no; to make them wait for attention when the parent is occupied; and to train them in proper obedience and respect.  The flip side of that coin is the parents' duty to be trustworthy for the child, so they can feel safe obeying the parents, knowing that all decisions the parents make are genuinely in the child's best interest, and are made with the child's spiritual and physical well-being in mind.  In attachment parenting, this starts with forming a strong bond with a newborn via lots of physical attachment practices, that gradually dissipate as the child grows and needs are fulfilled and no longer require that level of physical closeness.  It's a gradual, almost sliding scale type of progression. 

My personal experience with other parents is that the ones who practiced attachment parenting with young children are the better behaved, more polite children.  They are less peer oriented and much more capable of interacting with people of all ages in a comfortable and sociable manner, from little babies to toddlers to preschoolers to adults and elders.  These are the young boys I know who can look a grown man in the eye and give a firm handshake and "nice to meet you" without any prompting from their parents.

Though, I have definitely seen exceptions to that where it's taken to a disordered extreme and it's not pretty, as OCLF mentioned.  It's just the minority in my own experience

I don't think I could have said it better myself. Very well said munda! That's exactly what I'm referring to when talking of attachment parenting.

[GiftOfGod]

I've known several families who've taken the attachment parenting round, and, well, judging the tree by the fruits, I wouldn't want to have to live with the children they've got. There's definitely a difference between having a healthy familial bond and becoming a slave to one's child's desires.

Proper attachment parenting (a la Dr Neufeld) is diametrically opposed to what some think attachment parenting is (being a slave to a child's desires).

Yes, I was going to say.... proper attachment parenting, from my understanding has the complete opposite goal of being a slave a child's desires.  It's properly meeting a child's *needs*, which includes the need to tell them no; to make them wait for attention when the parent is occupied; and to train them in proper obedience and respect.  The flip side of that coin is the parents' duty to be trustworthy for the child, so they can feel safe obeying the parents, knowing that all decisions the parents make are genuinely in the child's best interest, and are made with the child's spiritual and physical well-being in mind.  In attachment parenting, this starts with forming a strong bond with a newborn via lots of physical attachment practices, that gradually dissipate as the child grows and needs are fulfilled and no longer require that level of physical closeness.  It's a gradual, almost sliding scale type of progression. 

My personal experience with other parents is that the ones who practiced attachment parenting with young children are the better behaved, more polite children.  They are less peer oriented and much more capable of interacting with people of all ages in a comfortable and sociable manner, from little babies to toddlers to preschoolers to adults and elders.  These are the young boys I know who can look a grown man in the eye and give a firm handshake and "nice to meet you" without any prompting from their parents.

Though, I have definitely seen exceptions to that where it's taken to a disordered extreme and it's not pretty, as OCLF mentioned.  It's just the minority in my own experience

I don't think I could have said it better myself. Very well said munda! That's exactly what I'm referring to when talking of attachment parenting.

Does what Munda said align with Neufeld?

[MundaCorMeum]

I've known several families who've taken the attachment parenting round, and, well, judging the tree by the fruits, I wouldn't want to have to live with the children they've got. There's definitely a difference between having a healthy familial bond and becoming a slave to one's child's desires.

Proper attachment parenting (a la Dr Neufeld) is diametrically opposed to what some think attachment parenting is (being a slave to a child's desires).

I haven't read Dr. Neufeld's work much at all, Laus. Any good titles you could point me towards?

Hold On To Your Kids is great and the work he's most well known for. I actually think I learned about that book on here (maybe some other Catholic source) years ago, even before I met my wife. He co-wrote it with Dr Gabor Mate - Dr Mate spent years in Vancouver's East Side (my VPD buddy knows him). As you're probably aware but maybe other posters aren't, Vancouver's East Side is one of the most drug-riddled locations on planet earth. Dr Mate is big on the theory that addiction mainly comes from childhood trauma that left a 'hole' - so it ties in a lot.

Super interesting.

Another good book (Dr Neufeld wrote the forward) is Eat Play Grow, by Deborah Macnamara. At least I think it's good, I ain't read it but my wife liked it. Ironically she's from Vancouver too.

I think I told you about that book, years ago.  I remember talking about it a little now.  I need to dust my copy off.  I've heard about Eat, Play, Grow, but have not read it.  I'm only vaguely familiar with the title, actually.

[OCLittleFlower]

I've known several families who've taken the attachment parenting round, and, well, judging the tree by the fruits, I wouldn't want to have to live with the children they've got. There's definitely a difference between having a healthy familial bond and becoming a slave to one's child's desires.

Proper attachment parenting (a la Dr Neufeld) is diametrically opposed to what some think attachment parenting is (being a slave to a child's desires).

I'm used to the term "attachment parenting" being more closely associated with Dr. Sears than with Neufeld. Sears is very much against "cry it out," etc, and the mothers I've known who adopt his ideas tend to be the "jump at every fuss" sort.

[MundaCorMeum]

I've known several families who've taken the attachment parenting round, and, well, judging the tree by the fruits, I wouldn't want to have to live with the children they've got. There's definitely a difference between having a healthy familial bond and becoming a slave to one's child's desires.

Proper attachment parenting (a la Dr Neufeld) is diametrically opposed to what some think attachment parenting is (being a slave to a child's desires).

I'm used to the term "attachment parenting" being more closely associated with Dr. Sears than with Neufeld. Sears is very much against "cry it out," etc, and the mothers I've known who adopt his ideas tend to be the "jump at every fuss" sort.

Most of my early reading on AP was from Dr. Sears.  I agree with alot of his principles of parenting, but not always how to apply them. I am not a fan of cry it out, though we have tried it occasionally.  It never felt right to me, but I know it works for some parents and children.  I've found that when we practiced co-sleeping, nursing on demand, and holding babies alot (either in arms or in a sling), it gradually led to the children sleeping well as they got older.  Once I was ready to wean them at night and transition to their own bed, I would nurse them to sleep and put them into their own bed, and then whenever they would wake up, I would go get them and put them in my bed fro the remainder of the night.  Little by little, the length they would sleep through without me got longer, until they slept through the night.  And, as they got older, I would wait to go get them and let them try and resettle without my assistance.  Basically, the younger the baby, the less I would let them cry and the more I would be proactive about tending to them at first fuss.  The older they get, the less I worry about them fussing and getting to them quickly.  But I never let new borns cry if I can help it, and I always get them immediately when they fuss.  To me, they are just so helpless and lack any understanding of how to communicate their needs otherwise.  Of course, that's not true with older babies/toddlers/kids, so my approach changes with the needs of each stage of childhood.  But, my goal is always a healthy, appropriate attachment relationship.  It just plays out differently, depending on the age.

And for my husband and I, attachment parenting always goes hand in hand with discipline and respect.  We try to be both firm and loving.