On Adultery

[Francisco Javier]

Saw this video thrown around on twitter and was kinda shocked



Basically argues you should keep mum on past instances of adultery, but not lie.
Immediately struck me as a strange statement completely at odds with cultural norms.
Moreover, I had previously seen that you are obligated to disclose such things prior to marriage (to prevent the wedding vows only being exchanged under fraud), so it is a bit strange that things do a 180 after marriage

Any traditional Catholic writings on such topic?

[Greg]

Seems rather practical advice to me.

I would think that confessing adultery after marriage would very likely lead to divorce.  It would certainly put a huge black mark of distrust.  Most women would NEVER let you forget it.  They would forever rub salt into that wound.  It is how most women are.

Before marriage yes, as can affect the validity of the bond.  But after, well the bond is made.  Adultery at that stage would only be an indicator as to the state of the mind of one of the parties on the wedding day.  6 month later would be more indicative than 10 years later.

Then there is adultery and adultery.  There is the rare handsome man who is seduced at a work party when he is young by a young attractive female and regrets it the next day and blurts it out to his wife in tears and resigns and finds another job.  Perhaps most women will forgive this, especially if he is handsome and earns good money.  They might very well come to the conclusion that they won't get a man as valuable to them.  This is why powerful men can cheat on their wives and get away with it until it becomes publicly known.  Many women care more about the public shame than the cheating and balance that against the lifestyle afforded to them.  If their marriage appears to be successful to their friends then they can cope.

And there is the man who has an affair with one other woman for months or years.  Most women will hate this.  It will gnaw at them for the rest of their lives.

And there is a man who frequents prostitutes because he finds it more pleasurable (and/or available) than sex with his wife.  He doesn't even remember any prostitutes name.  I think most adulterers (at least the ones I have met in business) probably fall into this bracket.  This falls between the first and second case for most women in terms of their ability to forgive it.

[Francisco Javier]

Would this 'duty to silence' apply to a woman who bears a child that she suspects is not her husband's?

[LausTibiChriste]

Would this 'duty to silence' apply to a woman who bears a child that she suspects is not her husband's?

No, it doesn't, from a moral perspective.

Infidelity as a man is far different than for a woman. Not that it justifies it, but it's relatively consequence-free for a man, not so for a woman.

But at the same time, if a man knows he fathered a child through infidelity, the cat has to come out of the bag.


I think Greg's assessment is spot on. We actually talked about this on FE years ago. Ultimately I think in most cases, spilling the beans without grave reason is almost pride on the dude's part. Your guilt is so great, that you spill it just to make yourself feel better. I've seen it before, it ain't pretty.

If you screwed up, went to confession, and don't have any STDs or bastards, then spilling the beans could be, in itself, a sin.

[Greg]

Would this 'duty to silence' apply to a woman who bears a child that she suspects is not her husband's?

If it is some sort of equality of the sexes thing then no.

Similarly, men go to war and fight and die.  Women are not expected to do that.

[LausTibiChriste]

I actually just listened to this for the first time and Father had a very good point - men are quick to admit it because they're effeminate...and he's completely right.

Rather than living with the burden that you're a P.O.S. and carry that cross, you spill it and let your wife suffer it on your behalf.

[dellery]

Funny how the hypothetical adulterers are always the husband.

Wives cheat way more than husbands. Men aren't required to hide their sexuality under a purity veil the way many women are, and this means women become adept at leading double lives and feel no burden to confess such things as adultery.
The same woman will act like a real good girl for her husband and, or, friends and family members but a complete slut for a guy that really turns her on.
This actually really messed me up regarding my ability to trust any woman, and it's something I'll probably always struggle with, because as far as I know there's no such thing as a good woman, it's all just an act.
If you're not the guy turning her on all the time then you're getting cheated on and will probably never even know.

[Severinus]

I think if a spouse has defiled the marriage in such a terrible way then the other spouse has a right to know about it. Thinking this way and holding fast to it will also act powerfully against temptations to infidelity. Whereas believing it's okay to hide infidelity and escape temporal consequences will not.

[Mushroom]

This is why men should work with other men or from home.

[dellery]

My career is easily greater than 90% male and it didn't stop me from getting exposed to the dark side of sexual nature, some of which took place with women I go/went to mass with.

The sexual impulse, being tied directly into natural reproduction, seems like it's the most difficult of behaviors to regulate without heavy social pressures.
Also, people generally aren't asking to get stolen from, or murdered etc., but the opposite is true of sex. More often than not one person is asking for it and the other is willing to oblige.

[AlfredtheGreat]

Funny how the hypothetical adulterers are always the husband.

Wives cheat way more than husbands. Men aren't required to hide their sexuality under a purity veil the way many women are, and this means women become adept at leading double lives and feel no burden to confess such things as adultery.
The same woman will act like a real good girl for her husband and, or, friends and family members but a complete slut for a guy that really turns her on.
This actually really messed me up regarding my ability to trust any woman, and it's something I'll probably always struggle with, because as far as I know there's no such thing as a good woman, it's all just an act.
If you're not the guy turning her on all the time then you're getting cheated on and will probably never even know.

When I read this MGTOW nonsense and saw that 1 person had liked it I said to myself that I would wager $100 it was Maximillian. Was not disappointed.

[dellery]

MGTOW nonsense?? You're quite misunderstood.

That's the view off a man who does very well with women...too well in fact.

There are three kinds of men in how they pertain to women.
Men who women hide their dark-side from, men who deny that women even have a dark-side, and men who women share their dark-side with.

Men fall into MGTOW styles of being when they hear from people like me what it takes to attract and keep women faithful, and how difficult it is, and decide it's not worth the effort.

Men who get cheated on, and possibly divorced, are the ones who live in some idealistic fantasy-land thinking they can get comfortable, complacent, retiring into their man-cave, and think their women will stay interested, invested, and faithful to them.

[ChairmanJoeAintMyPrez]

Men fall into MGTOW styles of being when they hear from people like me what it takes to attract and keep women faithful, and how difficult it is, and decide it's not worth the effort.

True, but only for those living without grace.

[queen.saints]

...

Do you honestly think this way of thinking is coming from the Holy Ghost?
If not, then, in all honesty, you know it's a lie coming from nowhere good.

Douay Catechism:
" he that accuses his neighbour's wife of adultery, without convincing proof thereof, is not to be hearkened unto, but to be hated by all good men"

http://www.traditionalcatholic.net/Tradition/Information/The_Douay_Catechism/index.html