It's So Hard To Love My Wife

[Trad_Anon_John]

JMJ
This is the only place I can appreciate the advice, so I made an account which should hide the identity of my Wife. I won't scandalize our children either, please leave it up because I am dying for help from other catholics.

My Wife and I are young. I've assisted her in labor and she's given birth to our five children. She's stay-at-home and we were baptized a few years ago, thanks be to God.

I work about 80hrs/wk to afford a modest and simple life, and save money to buy property for the welfare of our family.

I make acts of charity towards her at least as often as I receive divine inspiration and the grace to do so. Case in point, a signal grace I distinctly remember, is getting off the couch to change a diaper she was about to change, just out of love for her.

What makes loving her so difficult is that she wasn't a virgin when we married and in order to lose her virginity she schemed to make an unnatural sex act for the man that he would like her well enough to take her virginity. Turns out the man had STDs, which he gave her, and it was a one-and-only time thing which crushed her. I find it so disgusting I feel like I'm crucifying myself just to look at her. I kiss her as briefly as a kiss lasts simply before work, upon coming home, and sometimes before bed. I regularly fall asleep praying instead of sleeping in our bed. To make matters worse, due to the nature of her offense, it was very public. Her parents and medical professionals needed to know every detail. And it was all kept from me before we married.

I don't regret our marriage only for the cause of our children. I would have not married her had I known.

I usually am not mindful of these sins but perhaps in passing for weeks at a time until I am triggered by some word or thought or action. I hate seeing her parents. They don't like me and I don't respect them for having not protected their daughter. I am from a broken home and cannot fathom how an apparently healthy familylife could have led to what it did. She's not talked to them and doesn't want them a part of our lives anymore for the last couple months.

The shame this brings me and my children is unbearable. I pray but outside God's very help I do not love my Wife at all. It's not easy and we don't know what to do. I am attached to creatures in order to avoid thinking about this. I come home after 14hrs at work and sit outside. I have a couple beers and text friends. We fake loving one another for the sake of our children. And truly she does love me and does everything for me. But it seems impossible to love her back. Every single act of love is supernatural, I have no emotion or natural desire to love her at all.

I just want to forget. She waited long enough to tell me that I don't know why she did. I have never had STDs, I don't even know if the diagnosis was true. There were never any apparent signs.

[Bonaventure]

What makes loving her so difficult is that she wasn't a virgin when we married and in order to lose her virginity she schemed to make an unnatural sex act for the man that he would like her well enough to take her virginity. Turns out the man had STDs, which he gave her, and it was a one-and-only time thing which crushed her. I find it so disgusting I feel like I'm crucifying myself just to look at her. I kiss her as briefly as a kiss lasts simply before work, upon coming home, and sometimes before bed.

If you are so disgusted in whatever sexual sins she committed in her youth, and find it hard to kiss her, disgusting, shameful, difficult, feel like you are crucifying yourself just to look at her, etc. how were you able to have sex with her at least five times?

If you are unsure of the diagnosis, you can easily require that both of you get an STD screening to know for sure.

What field are you working that requires an 80 hour work week?

Unless she starred in some porn film that became notorious, or were a notorious prostitute, whilst I sympathize that you did not know until you were married, it does not seem reasonable to me.

Not getting along or liking in laws is normal across all cultures, societies, and times.

[Trad_Anon_John]

how were you able to have sex with her at least five times?

Who else am I going to have sex with? We're both catholic, so don't play dumb. On occasion it's out of love but that's only possible if I'm absolutely not mindful of anything. Whichoften requires distracting myself to the point of exhaustion.

If you are unsure of the diagnosis, you can easily require that both of you get an STD screening to know for sure.

I was born at night, but not last night. Also, why would I add more shame to me and my Wife? For what, to see the doctor in public later? Like I said, never had symptoms and it's been 10yrs, I ain't mindful of it so I really don't care.

What field are you working that requires an 80 hour work week?

The one called being a single-income hard-working class American father with five children under the age of 8yo. What's the point? Is this relevant at all?

Unless she starred in some porn film that became notorious, or were a notorious prostitute, whilst I sympathize that you did not know until you were married, it does not seem reasonable to me.

Lmao?

Not getting along or liking in laws is normal across all cultures, societies, and times.

My mother-in-law drives 8hrs to visit us for a week and doesn't speak a word to me, but calls my children by different names than I named them, and tries taking charge of my house when she's here. When I contramand her false demonstration of authority she makes a hissy fit, all without ever speaking to me or even looking at me. And guess what, these folks raised their eldest daughter and allowed her to be a slut all from within the confines of a family home, never had the common decency to make sure any potential suitor was forewarned, has never apologized, and mistakenly assume they're owed any part in our lives.
So these are grave injustices by the light of natural reason alone...

[Greg]

What kind of sex acts do you think Mary Magdalene did?

She was a hooker.  I will guarantee you that Roman soldiers and Jewish men were some pretty perverted bastards.

Christ forgave her.  You should forgive your wife.  The hangup is with you.  If you have 5 children you must have been married at least 10 years.  Move on.  Consider yourself lucky she isn't frigid or completely disinterested in sex after having 5 children in 10 years,  That would be FAR worse.  And it is not uncommon for women with a lot of young children to resist the advances of their husband.

You changed a diaper?  You're supposed to do that.  It is called being a parent.  I have changed 1000s of them at 3am.

[Bonaventure]

how were you able to have sex with her at least five times?

Who else am I going to have sex with? We're both catholic, so don't play dumb.

You wrote that you can barely bare the shame of looking at her and can barely kiss her, but apparently have no problem being aroused enough to engage in sexual intercourse with her.

On occasion it's out of love but that's only possible if I'm absolutely not mindful of anything. Whichoften requires distracting myself to the point of exhaustion.

So, at least 5-6 years, if you have 5 children, of laying next to her in the same bed, showering with her, pooing in the bathroom with her around and vice versa, snoring, etc. But you are the one who said has an issue and wants the opinion/advice of other Catholics.

If you are unsure of the diagnosis, you can easily require that both of you get an STD screening to know for sure.

I was born at night, but not last night. Also, why would I add more shame to me and my Wife? For what, to see the doctor in public later? Like I said, never had symptoms and it's been 10yrs, I ain't mindful of it so I really don't care.

Why would it be shameful, when it is a matter of health?

Last I checked, doctors do not conduct examinations, tests, or conversations in public.

You are saying you aren't "mindful of it" and "don't really care," but have said that:

1. You are so disgusted with this that even looking at your wife who has borne 5 of your children is like "crucifying yourself.
2. "The shame this brings to me and my children is unbearable."
3. You've said you had to distract yourself "to the point of exhaustion," so although you are mindful/disgusted/etc., it is not big enough of a shame/crucifixion that you've been able to be intimate enough to have 5 children in 8 years. 

What field are you working that requires an 80 hour work week?

The one called being a single-income hard-working class American father with five children under the age of 8yo. What's the point? Is this relevant at all?

Yes it is relevant because, someone like @Greg or @james03 or any of the other men who've raised families did not work 80 hour regular weeks. They've advocated that men find a job so that there is a healthy work/life balance. The younger generation, men like @Kaesekopf, @LausTibiChriste, and I, followed their advice.

Working 80 hours is sure to cause strains in any marriage, virgin before marriage or not.

My grandfather raised 11 children in the 1960s and 1970s in San Francisco, with a third grade education. My father in law raised 10 children in the 80s, 90s, and 2000s, including a son who died of cancer, in the Philippines as a fisherman with a second grade education. My wife remembers when she'd have to eat oil, flour, and soy sauce fried together.

Yes it's 2024 but times aren't that dire than their day.

Unless she starred in some porn film that became notorious, or were a notorious prostitute, whilst I sympathize that you did not know until you were married, it does not seem reasonable to me.

Lmao?

I'm serious. You seem to be the one with issues here.

Not getting along or liking in laws is normal across all cultures, societies, and times.

My mother-in-law drives 8hrs to visit us for a week and doesn't speak a word to me, but calls my children by different names than I named them, and tries taking charge of my house when she's here. When I contramand her false demonstration of authority she makes a hissy fit, all without ever speaking to me or even looking at me. And guess what, these folks raised their eldest daughter and allowed her to be a slut all from within the confines of a family home, never had the common decency to make sure any potential suitor was forewarned, has never apologized, and mistakenly assume they're owed any part in our lives.
So these are grave injustices by the light of natural reason alone...

I've seen this and even worst situations personally.

[Bonaventure]

What kind of sex acts do you think Mary Magdalene did?

She was a hooker.  I will guarantee you that Roman soldiers and Jewish men were some pretty perverted bastards.

Maybe he thinks Magdalene just cuddled and held hands.

Christ forgave her.  You should forgive your wife.  The hangup is with you.  If you have 5 children you must have been married at least 10 years.  Move on.

100%

Consider yourself lucky she isn't frigid or completely disinterested in sex after having 5 children in 10 years,  That would be FAR worse.  And it is not uncommon for women with a lot of young children to resist the advances of their husband.

Yep. You and I know "many such cases!"

You changed a diaper?  You're supposed to do that.  It is called being a parent.  I have changed 1000s of them at 3am.

Lol.

[clau clau]

Do not feed the troll.

[ChairmanJoeAintMyPrez]

It's clear that English is not your first language.

Where are you from?

Is it normal in your country for a man not to change any diapers?

And how is it that visiting a doctor becomes a matter of public shame?  Is there only one doctor in the village?  Do doctors in your country regularly gossip about patient diagnoses?

There's a lot in your question that won't make sense for most of us without some additional context.

[Kent]

When did you find out? Recently?

[Michael Wilson]

The problem is not with your wife; you have to change.

[LausTibiChriste]

If she knew about the STD beforehand and didn't disclose it and/or lied about it, that's grounds for annulment in my book


This is assuming you aren't trolling.

If you knew about it beforehand and married her anyways then tough shit pal... hopefully it ain't too itchy down there

[Bonaventure]

Do not feed the troll.

I don't think he is. I think this is a real throwaway.

I don't know if that makes it better or worse.

[Bonaventure]

If she knew about the STD beforehand and didn't disclose it and/or lied about it, that's grounds for annulment in my book

That's another point I wanted to raise. Especially New Church. They'd give an annulment for an ingrown toe.

and and married her anyways then tough shit pal... hopefully it ain't too itchy down there

He claims he did not know. But doesn't want to get himself or he tested because it would be "public."

I guess the Doctor visits in his neck of the woods are on TV.

[Michael Wilson]

From the timeline that he gives, he found out about the problem after they were married; it would be grounds for an annulment, except that he stuck around for five children, which means that he accepted to be married to her despite her problem; which means those grounds are no longer valid. If he doesn't have an STD by now, and their children don't, then it was a false positive reading.

[Hannelore]

Pray for the grace to love and forgive your wife.
Edit: Love is an act of the will, not just an emotion.