go to bed

Started by Carleendiane, September 11, 2016, 01:19:56 AM

Previous topic - Next topic
Print
Go Down Pages 1 ... 299 300 301 302 303 ... 318
User actions

Carleendiane

#4500
March 23, 2018, 07:46:08 PM
Got in from up North this afternoon. Happy to be home. Putsed around until the evening, now I am in crash mode. As of this evening, I have lost my control mode. It served me well last week, and at funeral  but it has cracked and tears abound. I feel so very sad, but with all the many blessings during this trial, I am actually comforted by the memories. By the image of the family wiping Tom's face, cooling him down, 105 temp, holding his hands, whispering sweet words in his ear, kissing his hot head and hands, sneaking food into a vacant room (we HAD to eat something)  so he would not smell it, since he could have none, and recalling stories about him within his earshot. Seeing a smile flit across his face and feeling my hand grasped by him, while seemingly unconcious. And at the very end we gave him messages for mom and SIL Vicki...and reminding him things to ask mom when he saw her. Silly, and laughable, but that's my big crazy family. We were crying and waving goodbye like a bunch of loons. But none of us will soon forget Tom's bedside shenanigans, well, our behavior, not his : )   :'(  Hopefully the memories will console my brother during his painful purgation. But....it was all worth every tear, every speck of exhaustion, every messy clean up, and there were many, every ounce of stress, and there was oceans......all that, in exchange for seeing my most troubled brother reconciled with sons, ex wife, and most important,  his God. Thank you dear Lord.
To board the struggle bus: no whining, board with a smile, a fake one will be found out and put off at next stop, no maps, no directions, going only one way, one destination. Follow all rules and you will arrive. Drop off at pearly gate. Bring nothing.

ServusMariae

#4501
March 23, 2018, 11:16:44 PM
You & the whole family has worked hard to give the very best (& blessed) send-off for dear Tom, & I am sure Tom will appreciate those tears of love, those great oceans of love up in spirit with God. Sending my most sincere condolences & spiritual support in this time of crashing. :grouphug: :pray1: :pray2: :pray3:

Carleendiane

#4502
March 24, 2018, 06:21:32 PM
Than you, dear Servus!

So, bedtime is creeping up, and I will not fight it. Not tonight. Still working on catching up in the sleep department. Need a few more good night's under my belt. The exhaustion was not about the work involved with taking care of brother, but   more in the sleepless nites, and the emotional drain. Which, again, I'd do all over again, in a heartbeat. But, tired I am, catching up I am,. Made it to confession. Thank God! Going to future DIl's home to have dinner with her parents, tomorrow after Mass. Delightful people, so looking forward to an afternoon with them. God bless you all. Hope you behaved in my absence! ????  Love you guys. Your prayers helped sustain us. Thank you! CD
To board the struggle bus: no whining, board with a smile, a fake one will be found out and put off at next stop, no maps, no directions, going only one way, one destination. Follow all rules and you will arrive. Drop off at pearly gate. Bring nothing.

Carleendiane

#4503
March 24, 2018, 07:09:06 PM
9:00. Sweeeet, just a couple more hours and I am on my way!!!! Well  of course, it's all about ME, doncha know? I do hope a good night's sleep for all, except Servus. To Servus I wish a beautiful Mass, and a breakfast she can digest properly, and no signs of indigestion. Dear Lord, please heal that poor girl's tummy.  :grouphug:   :pray3:
To board the struggle bus: no whining, board with a smile, a fake one will be found out and put off at next stop, no maps, no directions, going only one way, one destination. Follow all rules and you will arrive. Drop off at pearly gate. Bring nothing.

dymphna17

#4504
March 24, 2018, 09:19:47 PM
Sweet dreams, dear friend.  You have earned a good night's rest.  You have been through an emotional wringer.  You don't come out of the other side of that without crashing for a bit.  I hope and pray you will bounce back from it without too many repercussions.  Absorb all the lessons learned, love given, and love received, slough off any bad or hurtful feelings.   :grouphug: :pray3:

We went to KC today and bought a new refrigerator.  Wow!  Is it ever nice!  It's going to be fun to decided where to put everything.  All kinds of drawers to decide where everything goes.  Plus there will actually be room for it all!  It's supposed to be delivered Thursday or Friday.  I'm like a little kid at Christmas.  Can't wait!  :lol:
?
I adore Thee O Christ, and I bless Thee, because by Thy holy cross Thou hast redeemed the world!

Jesus, Mary, and Joseph save souls!

Of course I wear jeans, "The tornadoes can make dresses immodest." RSC

"Don't waste time in your life trying to get even with your enemies. The grave is a tremendous equalizer. Six weeks after you all are dead, you'll look pretty much the same. Let the Lord take care of those whom you think have harmed you. All you have to do is love and forgive. Try to forget and leave all else to the Master."– Mother Angelica

Carleendiane

#4505
March 26, 2018, 07:54:20 AM Last Edit: March 26, 2018, 08:07:57 AM by Carleendiane
Good morning! Holy week. Let's go crazy and make some commitments for the week. I know I want to do things that will help me to join in on our Lords suffering. Plus go out of my way to be helpful to others. I don't want this week to pass like any other week. I won't attend any NO services, so I'm on my own there.

Oops. Wrong thread!
To board the struggle bus: no whining, board with a smile, a fake one will be found out and put off at next stop, no maps, no directions, going only one way, one destination. Follow all rules and you will arrive. Drop off at pearly gate. Bring nothing.

Carleendiane

#4506
March 26, 2018, 08:23:23 PM
Yep, on my way. Won't regret turning in at a decent time. Nope. Not one bit. G-NITE ALL!
To board the struggle bus: no whining, board with a smile, a fake one will be found out and put off at next stop, no maps, no directions, going only one way, one destination. Follow all rules and you will arrive. Drop off at pearly gate. Bring nothing.

Carleendiane

#4507
March 27, 2018, 07:40:32 PM
Getting closer to my favorite time of the night! Sleep, dear blessed sleep. I used to do so much in the evenings, now I only think about my pillow. Boy, have I ever changed. Now I am a slug and anything I happen to produce during a good day, is a big Harry deal. Anyway, today was very stressful for various reasons. My nerves get totally wacked out when stressed. I cry easily, and am very brittle emotionally. Anyone else like this? Would love a cure. Was always very even keel, even with stress. Now I just want to bury my head and....yep, cry. I hate the new me. God has his hands full with me. Poor God.

And on that sorry note, I say good nite. Hoping a good nite sleep for all. God bless my friends here.
To board the struggle bus: no whining, board with a smile, a fake one will be found out and put off at next stop, no maps, no directions, going only one way, one destination. Follow all rules and you will arrive. Drop off at pearly gate. Bring nothing.

Carleendiane

#4508
March 28, 2018, 04:41:48 PM
Thread is now open! Nothing exciting about that...but post anyway. Could use a wee bit of distraction from continuing morose and useless thoughts. Thoughts about what is NOT happening...my Andy. My brother, who is not. My father who is struggling his way through his end years.  Yep, my head could use a few pleasant distractions.

But what IS happening...all local family members will be together for Easter. Found out my little Lidia is not 15 pounds, at 7 months. Yep just a wee little package, but healthy as can be. Just had her checked out and not a thing to report of a negative nature, other than she is just very petite, which is not a negative at all.. She is even starting to talk. She now says mama. Working on dada. Beginning to stand up. Every single day, she brings me immense joy. Ambrose is finally getting better. Cough subsiding. He had me very concerned, but seems to be recovering. For that, I am exceedingly grateful.  : D
To board the struggle bus: no whining, board with a smile, a fake one will be found out and put off at next stop, no maps, no directions, going only one way, one destination. Follow all rules and you will arrive. Drop off at pearly gate. Bring nothing.

ServusMariae

#4509
March 29, 2018, 01:22:58 PM
3.10 AM: lights are off, everyone is asleep ... Yet here I am in bed, unable to sleep ... My pillow is soaked as I cannot stop weeping over how few truly love Our Lord & there so, so, so many sinners who reject of His love ... i think of the "tranagender" people & my poor friend ... Their souls! Their poor souls! Yet I am a sinner too ... Who would stay by Jesus at the foot of the cross? Just who will console His heart so grieved & so offended? Just who?

(sorry i know this is some random giberish rambling but just can't sleep.)

Carleendiane

#4510
March 29, 2018, 07:00:53 PM
Quote from: ServusMariae on March 29, 2018, 01:22:58 PM
3.10 AM: lights are off, everyone is asleep ... Yet here I am in bed, unable to sleep ... My pillow is soaked as I cannot stop weeping over how few truly love Our Lord & there so, so, so many sinners who reject of His love ... i think of the "tranagender" people & my poor friend ... Their souls! Their poor souls! Yet I am a sinner too ... Who would stay by Jesus at the foot of the cross? Just who will console His heart so grieved & so offended? Just who?

(sorry i know this is some random giberish rambling but just can't sleep.)

Well, Servus, if the theif is good and accompanies Our Dear Lord, then maybe you and I can too. I want to join you, sinner that I am, at the foot of the cross. I want to take His place before the Sanheidrin. Before the chief priests, but I'm afraid. I will fail, beg for mercy, instead of silence. Yes I want to accompany Him, but I am a weakling. I cringe from my measly crosses. But, still, if I could only wipe His face. His holy face, as I kneel on my two useless knees, I know I will be healed of my cowardice, of my corrupt nature. If you and I could just stand at the foot of the cross along with His sweet mother, His holy blood would fall on us too, His punctured lungs and heart would sprinkle us,  convert us and make us saints. Instead, I sit in my home, on my comfy couch, or lie in my luxurious ordinary bed, and beg for His glance, for His mercy. There He is, suffering so, and all I do is beg for His graces, His presence in my life. Still, still, I want to join you, Servus, such as I am. I'm afraid to traverse any other path, other than the way of the cross.

So, may I join you as you comfort our suffering Lord? I would truly like that.
To board the struggle bus: no whining, board with a smile, a fake one will be found out and put off at next stop, no maps, no directions, going only one way, one destination. Follow all rules and you will arrive. Drop off at pearly gate. Bring nothing.

Carleendiane

#4511
March 29, 2018, 07:09:18 PM
Please, come on in. Make yourself at home. Having dinner with our dear Lord. It's His last supper. And I, like His chosen companions will doze while he sheds great drops of blood as He agonizes over what is to come. I will be well rested, because I am too weak to agonize with Him. But He knows this and forgives me anyway. Poor Jesus, I could not even watch one hour with him. Yet, he invites me to accompany Him. He knew I would fail, yet asks me anyway. Now, after the fact, I lament my weakness, and beg to be made a better disciple of my Lord. Please Lord.
To board the struggle bus: no whining, board with a smile, a fake one will be found out and put off at next stop, no maps, no directions, going only one way, one destination. Follow all rules and you will arrive. Drop off at pearly gate. Bring nothing.

ServusMariae

#4512
March 29, 2018, 08:11:29 PM Last Edit: March 29, 2018, 08:13:10 PM by ServusMariae
Well, guess what Carleen: it's Good Friday morning now on my side in Singapore, so things has sped up by 1 day ^_^" Our Lord has held His supper with His apostles & now hangs on the cross for the love of sinners like you & I... When i get to afternoon liturgy later, I'm gonna give Him a dear kiss on His feet - albeit I am all but just a sinner ... But how wonderful that I have a loving Spouse who loves my soul still!

(P.S: I slept at 5 am & parents were not entirely happy ... But I'm fine now.)

Chestertonian

#4513
March 29, 2018, 10:38:32 PM
Quote from: Carleendiane on March 18, 2018, 07:58:07 PM
Thank you Kepha, today my heart is very heavy.

The images of suffering, that suffering naturally associated with death,  are stamped forever in my mind. I've been to the bedside of a dying person before. But only for a part of the process. I've never walked a loved one through to the end. He suffered alone, for the most part, for 2 months before his collapse. He spent two months alone in his apartment laying on his couch. 2 brothers, and 1 sister checked in on him periodically at first, then daily after it was apparent that he was extremely ill. Still refusing medical help, though emaciated, the family attempted to care for him as well as he would allow. Which was not much. By the time he was found unconscious, he was desperately ill. He had deep bed sores and was all but dead. But he rallied and had tremendous gratitude for help. While still in apartment, he was hoping to just die, but upon being stablized, seemed to regret neglecting to get care. Too far gone for recovery he immediately used his lucid moments to ask forgiveness from those he hurt most. He cried as he spoke to his sons, his ex wife...a wonderful woman, his siblings. He had 10 days from collapse to death. Received his sacraments, and tried to put a little order to his last days.

So, yeah, this was a fast and terrible (painfilled) death. But a true honor to participate in. The joy of having him finally reconcile with God is impossible to convey with words. My brother did not live a noble life. But.....he died a very noble death. He suffered unspeakably, even with pain med and anxiety meds. He cried tears of regret about his life, but not tears associated with physical suffering. He shed a few tears a couple minutes before he died. As we all will. Never have I witnessed and assisted the entire process of death, and never will I regret it. Thanks be to God.

see... that is my worst fear....to be on my deathbed and be a blubering mess like i often am these days

it is one thing for a woman to be this way but not becoming ofa  man.  we all have read the stories about the martyrs and about how the went into the collosseum singing they didnt cry or anything, they just stared death down.  i often worry that my sons are getting the worst example of manhood and fatherhood because they see their father cry a lot.  whereas my father never cried.   sometimes when he would punish us he would give extra spankings if I cried.  so nothing good can come of that.  Then once i caught him crying alone after his own father died and i remember going in there with a box of tissues and just left it there and left the room.  i'm surprised he didnt beat my butt right then and there. 

even though jesus cried, it is still not acceptable for Catholic men to cry.  i think most traditional catholic boys grow up about the same way as i did, with the same ingrained shame about crying.  then something life threatening happens and we can't help ourselves and it's even worse because what are these things coming from my eyes this isnt supposed to be happening.  i often wonder if my punishments in the afterlife will be worse if i cry in this life
"I am not much of a Crusader, that is for sure, but at least I am not a Mohamedist!"

ServusMariae

#4514
March 30, 2018, 12:13:48 AM
Quote from: Chestertonian on March 29, 2018, 10:38:32 PM
even though jesus cried, it is still not acceptable for Catholic men to cry.  i think most traditional catholic boys grow up about the same way as i did, with the same ingrained shame about crying.  then something life threatening happens and we can't help ourselves and it's even worse because what are these things coming from my eyes this isnt supposed to be happening.  i often wonder if my punishments in the afterlife will be worse if i cry in this life

Well, I grew up in a home where crying is forbidden, even as I was a girl & now a lady .... but genuinely, it is alright to cry. It is part-&-parcel of being a human. & no, what kind of God who will punish His loved ones for simply shedding a tear? Rather as St. Padre Pio once said: "Tears are collected by the angels and are placed in a gold chalice and you will find them when you present yourself before God." Keeping you in my prayers today & always. :grouphug: :pray1: :pray2: :pray3:
Print
Go Up Pages 1 ... 299 300 301 302 303 ... 318
User actions