go to bed

[dymphna17]

I agree. And remember the flesh torn from and exposing his ribs? And I agree.

When I was little, I used to have an illustrated prayerbook that my grandma gave me for my First Communion, and when I first saw the illustration of Jesus hanging on the cross, with the wound in his side, I remember thinking: "Hey! Jesus has a scar, just like me!"  Only mine's on my left side, from heart surgery when I was a baby.

But you were relating to his wound. At that moment you joined your wound with his. That is beautiful. I have not one memory about having a beautiful thought that may have pleased our LORD! Very sad really.

Excuse me, I'm going to but in here,  that was an incredibly sweet story Bernadette.  And Carleen, just because you don't have a memory of something (such as this), doesn't mean it didn't happen.  You just may not remember it.  That and with God not being on the same time continuum, your uniting your sufferings to Him now mean the world to Him.  YOU have given Him the reason to go through His Passion.  He loved you enough to do that, and now you love Him enough to give your sufferings to Him out of love for Him.  Makes all the difference in the world

Nice to see you Munda!

[Carleendiane]

I agree. And remember the flesh torn from and exposing his ribs? And I agree.

When I was little, I used to have an illustrated prayerbook that my grandma gave me for my First Communion, and when I first saw the illustration of Jesus hanging on the cross, with the wound in his side, I remember thinking: "Hey! Jesus has a scar, just like me!"  Only mine's on my left side, from heart surgery when I was a baby.

But you were relating to his wound. At that moment you joined your wound with his. That is beautiful. I have not one memory about having a beautiful thought that may have pleased our LORD! Very sad really.

Excuse me, I'm going to but in here,  that was an incredibly sweet story Bernadette.  And Carleen, just because you don't have a memory of something (such as this), doesn't mean it didn't happen.  You just may not remember it.  That and with God not being on the same time continuum, your uniting your sufferings to Him now mean the world to Him.  YOU have given Him the reason to go through His Passion.  He loved you enough to do that, and now you love Him enough to give your sufferings to Him out of love for Him.  Makes all the difference in the world

Nice to see you Munda!

A lovely thing to say dymph, but it seems most of the time I am just suffering. Not nearly with Him enough. But only I and God can fix that. But I will say the idea of offering it up and putting it to work for others thrills me. For most people, there is very little substancial help I can give, so to be able help in that way...well, it makes me happy.

[Carleendiane]

A good nite to my lovely friends. See you in good morning!

[dymphna17]

Sweet dreams, my dear.  You can really relax now, you are home. (Sorry Ches)   


Which you already do!!

[JubilateDeo]

IV during wisdom teeth extraction is pretty standard around here.  Although the medicine they gave me made me really dizzy and dazed for the rest of the day.  I'm on day 4, and still feeling loopy from the meds.  They gave me antibiotics and Percocet.  It's my daughter's 8th birthday and my husband took her to the bowling alley and the movie theater so they could have some fun and give me a little peace and quiet.  Then my mom made a nice dinner and I was able to throw together a chocolate pie (which is her favorite)

[Chestertonian]

Oh Bird, maybe I'll go get some teeth pulled and come to your house for my recovery! You guys have any vodka?

Yes. Two bottles of Skyy in the freezer. Though I don't think it would "like" your pain meds very much.

Well, I know that. It was just hypothetical. I am not drinking and drugging. What kind of mother you think I am?

Alas, Carleen, I've always been too literal. Yet another thing that I've never been able to shed from my early years, I guess. It makes for these...slightly awkward exchanges. On the bright side: should make relating to children that much easier.

Tell me again why I hurt so bad.

Sure! When St. Teresa's father was in his last illness, he was plagued by an excruciating pain in his shoulders; St. Teresa reminded him how devoted he had always been to the part of Our Lord's Passion in which He carried His cross. Her father was all: "Hey! You're right!" And it helped him to bear the pain better. Better?

That's why I love you bird. Still somewhat  childlike. And you are very good at seeing the bright side.

Must be why I've had such a strong, sudden attraction to St. Therese's "Way of Spiritual Childhood:" it's like I suddenly realized that this particular aspect of my character can actually be put to some pretty good use! 

i do find myself identifying with children a lot and having an easy time relating to them.  when I went into the education field I always did enjoy studying what makes children "tick" how they think and learn.  But having to rely on others and be in a powerless position all the time,Ithink I relate to a lot of the powerlessness they experience so much more now.  idont think that most adults really consider the effect that powerlessness has on a person

Getting ready to sleep

Tomorrow they said they had a priest who says mass to the chapel and if there are enough people interested they will bring us downstairs with a nurse

If not they said they will have him come up to give me communion/hear confession  I'm still not sure about communion but maybe confess

Ches, I'm not trying to pressure you into anything (especially since if you're not "really ready," Communion could really make you even more scrupulous), but try looking at it like this: if your doctor told you that you needed a certain medicine, and you knew it was for your good, wouldn't you take it? If you go to confession, tell the priest that you're scrupulous. It's a huge underlying factor in why you can only seem to focus on the things that you do (and why you're focusing on them without any peace or spiritual benefit- in case someone argues that the things that you're focusing on are objectively good and thus helps to further encourage you in them)

i know I went toa confession and I know a priet came,but I am making myself crazy because I don't remember what he said to me in confession i do remember talkingwith him abotusome of the issues..  I do remember he was helpful, I just dont remmber exatly HOW hewas helpful!!!

nurses didnt want me to take me off the unit at this point.  too complicated.  i did spend most of the day out of bed though.  cant say that about most days.  really tired though i think sometimes being out of bed and moving around is a lot for my brain to handle...i get really overstimulated.  they have a "multi sensory environment' room that i have used a few times  and it is like a dark room,with all these various sensory therapy activities...they have fiber optic wires in diferentcolors,a switch you control with your handthat projects lights, a switch that controls ambient sounds, the bed they lie you on vibrates which is a little weird but also kind of soothing

there is a thing with bubbles tht go up and down.likean aquarium.   i am a bit hypersensitive to stuff like noise/sound/texture but i guessthe therapists know that and do it so that you arent overwhelmed.  I went inthere today with the OT and was very soothing I ended up falling asleep. 

theysay with neurological isses or after a brain injury your brain loses the ability to "filter" sounds/signt/stimuation from the environment..

[Carleendiane]

Thank God your memory is not needed to be at full speed to have a proper confession. But, I know, frustrating for you. Yes, I am learning about dependance. It is hard for me too as I am a martha. But my dependence is short term while yours is not. OK Ches, offering up, and praying your burdens lighten in one way or another. Ax far as understanding children, though I had no classes, much of it came quite naturally. From God I'm sure. Which is good, because I had a child 9 months after I married. Plus, I was still just a teenager. Maybe I had a lot of memory yet about what it's like to be a child.

[Chestertonian]

now the plan is forme to be here until Friday.

they have a nap time here.  ifyou dont rest, will be tired later and not able to do afternoon therapy

i sometimes resent the structure and schedule, feels like they treat me like a little kid.  But I guess monks dont sleep when they want to either necessarily


my mom has a meeting with my nurse and therapists and they scheduled itduring the rest time,so haveto choose between being awake for that,and resting.  my mom said,just rest and let other people take care of things

i think about how our lord asks us to be like little children...they dont always know what goes into their own care.  even students at school,they dont know how many hours their teacher plans their lessons out,and how muchtime goes into planning activities for them... how much timetheir parents put into figuring outhow the day will be structured, who's going to pick them up from daycare,and take them to the pediatrician

so much of the behaviors parents tend to complain about....crying, outbursts, tantrums, sulky teenagers...all tend to stem from how difficult it is to not be in control of your life--the tension between wanting to do things yourself, and not being there yet.

at the same time, sometimes children find comfort in having their needs met and they trust theur parents to meet their needs.  When my older son was 2, he used to kick and fight during diaper changes but most of the time he was good. He used to go up to my wife and say "can i have a diaper change" with no shame... He knew his place in the world and that he needed help, and in meeting his needs, he knew we loved him.

ithe more time that goes by,the more dizzying it is to eventhink about what goes into my daily care, i dont even know what meds i'm on at least not ALL of them... blood pressure monitoring, blood sugar, digestive stuff, my vent, etc.  its more complicated than i can even mentally handle right now  I wish i had an easier time just accepting that.  And when people try to help it is so easy to look at them like they are adversaries. 

over time i feel indebted to my caregivers especiallysince it is hard to imagine what "return on investment"they are getting. in corinthians 13 reads, "love does not keep a record of wrongs" but i find myself keeping a record of rights...and it is difficult to see everyone around you give so much and not be able to give them anything in return. at the same time children dont alwys think about the "burden" they are on us. when babies cry at 3am, they dont think about the fact that everyone in the house is sleeping. Toddlers don't care if you wanted to have a quiet afternoon reading a book. Little people have big needs and in some ways,they are egocentric about them, they dont care about the toll their needs take on other people. As a child growing up with a lot of special medical needs I don't think I ever considered what it was like for my parents. i had poor gross motor coordination at 2 and 3 and had to be carried everywhere, also used a wheelchair for trips because i didnt have much energy,plus i was ondialysis and had a feeding tube..the burden and expense never crossed my mind.

but now these things are on my mind a lot, how much toll this takes on my family emotionally, financially, etc. i think about the toll it takes on my son,and our newest addition. i feel like i am always mourning the loss of control over my life, and unless there is a miracle, I will not have that control ever again. It isn't coming back. sometimes i wish it were possible to let go of control, and not care so much about the fact that other people are responsible for my care.

when i first started gettinghelp with breathing via the biPAP my instinct was to fight it.  took awhile to set things up so that it was giving me just the right "push" of air without triggering  any fight or flight responses.  hard to explain.  now goingthrough respiratory failure and relyingmore and more on the vent, it is a continuous process just figuring out exactly how much breathing support to give.  whenever I fight the vent, it's exhausting and futile,and just leads to me being dizzy and worn out.  at the sametme, it is such a relief to not haveto breathe on my own 

i think as a grown man,thereis this pressure to be independent, self sufficient, in control, powerful,strong, whereas what my mind seems to really need is to acknowledge that I am not any of these things

[Bernadette]

i think about how our lord asks us to be like little children...they dont always know what goes into their own care.

Look at you, getting into St. Therese's Little Way the same way that she, herself did!  Good man, Ches. 

[Chestertonian]

She had a naptime too??

I'm supposed to be sleeping

[Bernadette]

She had a naptime too??

I'm supposed to be sleeping

Well, no.  But she was ordered to eat red meat for a month (Carmelites abstain all the time, unless ordered meat for health reasons). And this particularly nasty canned milk, during her last illness.  And she offered it up heroically.  Night, night, Ches.

[Carleendiane]

No, you haven't much to give physically Ches. And you're right about the general expectations society has for your  AVERAGE 34 yr old man. What you say is true. Remember the joke about man colds. I think men act so miserable, not always, but sometimes because when sick they are in a position of need. They are not up to the tasks normally assigned to them. In your case everything is reversed . Because you are a man who thinks like a man your struggle is with those man instincts. They don't leave just because you get sick. They are there EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. EVERY SINGLE NIGHT. Doped up or not. There they are. Man instincts. So what is required of you is completely against your DNA.
To be as a child is your only refuge. I wonder if the Lord didn't have the incapacitated in mind when we were exhorted to be as a child before God. Be small. Be tended to. Be trusting. Love your caregivers. A more perfect turning over of the will, I've never seen. So an argument happens. A momentary lack of appreciation, and gratitude. Out of frustration, somewhat childlike or selfish behavior occurs.  A burden for the caregiver, but as a parent towards a child, a burden carried with love and rewarding because parents have to rise above their own preferences or desires to properly take care of this child they love. So who cares if you say or do something less than noble. That's what confession is for while you live your completely reversed role for a man

And you are a man, ches. So God has given us a perfect example of how He can sustain us in whatever role He has for us. You bring color and joy and sarcasm and intelligence to this forum. I thank God for you. And I never ever forget how you have struggled to keep the faith and your dark night of the soul your pain filled life has forced you to experienced.

[Carleendiane]

Opening up. Tonight is here. Beginning to get dark. Getting tired. Husband helped me make dinner. Made enough for days. Glad mine do not mind leftovers!

[Bernadette]

Feelin' good, myself. Aunt and I just had a nice, long, leisurely chat, and I managed to eat two pieces of fried chicken. 

[Carleendiane]

Feelin' good, myself. Aunt and I just had a nice, long, leisurely chat, and I managed to eat two pieces of fried chicken. 

Bird, don't you like fried chicken? I rarely got to have it, but usually liked it, despite the oil and not so good healthiness of it. I loved kfc.