How to raise a Catholic family w/ no Grandparents

[queen.saints]

Lots of great advice in this thread.  I have 7 children and also share the experience that it gets easier in many ways after the third.  Most people I know with large families say that.

I can't answer your question about coping without grandparents because I had a very active and helpful mother-in-law during my first years of parenthood.  But perhaps I can encourage you to fight against any temptations to jealousy you might have towards those blessed in that way.

In hindsight I have a much better appreciation of just how helpful and well-meaning my mother-in-law was.  At the time, it often felt like interference and criticism.  For example, she disapproved of how long I chose to breastfeed and of our decision to homeschool.  I found this difficult to deal with. 

I suspect that it is typical for involvement from grandparents to come with a bit of a price. As Munda said, we all have crosses.

Yes, and, say you even have the perfect mother-in-law who lives nearby, is experienced, but not interfering, a wonderful person etc, etc. If she had a large family herself, giving even a little help to each of her married children would be a full time job and really wouldn't be fair to her. You'd find yourself not asking for help, because you'd know she has 10 other people she's helping already, plus her own house to run.

[Traditionallyruralmom]

I've had 9 with very minimal blood family assistance.  I grew up with 1 brother, my husband 1 sister.  We had to learn it from scratch.  Find your traddy tribe and support one another as well as you can.  Find an older trad lady at your parish who's kids aren't really practicing who longs for a family like yours to be grandma to.  Support the HECK out of your wife.  Cultivate a strong marriage, continue to court and flirt with her.  Take her on dates....I dint care what the excuse is, make it happen.  This can make or break a SAH mom if many kiddos.   Help with kids and chores when you can.  Be very appreciative and loving.  Dont rag on her if the house is messy.  Pregnancy and nursing is physically exhausting. 

[Traditionallyruralmom]

Also, for stress and anxiety get her some lemon almost and red raspberry leaf tea.  She should consume this daily.  Also consider CBD and Omega 3 by American Shaman.  It has like .002 THC, so a great choice for mamas.

Look into the Mother Culture book by Karen Andreola.  ??

[MundaCorMeum]

Also, for stress and anxiety get her some lemon almost and red raspberry leaf tea.  She should consume this daily.  Also consider CBD and Omega 3 by American Shaman.  It has like .002 THC, so a great choice for mamas.

Look into the Mother Culture book by Karen Andreola.  ??

I just learned about Mother Culture in recent years!  Wonderful concept.  I'm terrible at *finishing* books, though.  My mother culture stack is for ever changing  . Have you read 'Mere Motherhood', by Cindy Rollins?  It's hysterical!

[Traditionallyruralmom]

Also, for stress and anxiety get her some lemon almost and red raspberry leaf tea.  She should consume this daily.  Also consider CBD and Omega 3 by American Shaman.  It has like .002 THC, so a great choice for mamas.

Look into the Mother Culture book by Karen Andreola.  ??

I just learned about Mother Culture in recent years!  Wonderful concept.  I'm terrible at *finishing* books, though.  My mother culture stack is for ever changing  . Have you read 'Mere Motherhood', by Cindy Rollins?  It's hysterical!

no, Ill have to look into it

[james03]

It ain't easy.  I think first start with motivation.  What you are doing, as is your duty as a father, is keeping your kids out of the cesspit of modern day sodom and gomorrah.  Most kids raised in our culture are going to hell, barring a miracle conversion.  Read a few news articles about "hook up culture" from time-to-time.  So even though it sucks, it's worth the price. 

At Mass, Dad is responsible for discipline.  Mommy has a big Mommy heart, and most of them suck at discipline.  That's why God made men and women opposite of each other in many ways.  You need to teach them to sit still and behave, so you definitely bring them.  But they usually can only maintain for less than the time of Mass, so Dad takes the cranky one to the cry room or lobby and holds him (no reward, e.g. play time) and tells him he can go back to Mommy when he is ready to be a good boy.  Also, don't be embarrassed.  Everyone at Church has been through it and they are not mad at you, especially if you are dealing with the situation.  Trads love kids, so don't be self conscious.

Day to day, get on your wife's butt to meet people and have friends and a support group.  That helps a lot.

Also, try to have a once per week date night with just you and your wife.  Try to stick to it.

But remember, living in our society really sucks.  60 years ago ALL Catholics were Trads, everywhere you had affordable Trad schools staffed with nuns, and Catholic groups all over the place.  But we are men and we deal with reality.

[coffeeandcigarette]

Where to begin...

I have seven little ones. No family anywhere in sight. It did NOT get easier as my children got older b/c I homeschool. It got much harder. When I only had a few little ones, my life was very simple I thought. Now I have tiny children to care for, a home to keep decent (trust me, my decent bar as had to get lowered everyday until I barely recognize the home I kept as a young wife, duster-in-hand), laundry, and many many meals to cook. I do this while also being responsible for the education of them all. I have two middle-schoolers, a 4th grader, a 2nd grader, a kindergartner, and a preschooler. I also have a nursing baby, and I'll probably be expecting again any day. People always tell me to "just hire someone to help you." Everyone I call wants at least 12 dollars an hour, usually more like 15, and I could never have them help for long enough to get any real work done. The idea that a young woman would come help me for free is a laugh. Now, if you have a good bit of disposable income, then you will be fine. You can send out the washing, and hire someone to come clean the house twice a week. This leaves your wife with tidying up here and there, cooking, and childcare. If you cannot hire anyone then read on.

My advice to you is to:

Always tell your wife your know how hard it is, and you love her so much for making such sacrifices for love of God. Just knowing you see her and appreciate her task is huge. It makes all the difference in the world.

Try to start saving any money you can now, to pay someone later if you are also planning on homeschooling.

Help around the house as much as you can. Men tend to work 9-5 and they don't realize that a mother working from rise to rest and getting up in the middle of the night over and over is not an equal job. It takes more than one person to live this life and raise children like this.

Do not under any circumstances think your life will be easier if you hire the TV as a babysitter. It will seem easier, and then you will realize it was a huge mistake, but too late.

Do look at things in the shops like frozen burritos, whole grain waffles, organic fiber and protein shakes, any kind of healthy but easy foods. Sometimes, it is easier to get the day under control when you have one meal ready-to-go. Also, maybe on Saturday, you could make 2 dozen hard-boiled eggs, 2 dozen steamed potatoes, and three or four gallon ziplock bags of washed and chopped veggies. Between these things, and a big container of hummus, you can quickly assemble lots of nice healthy meals.

Do treat this as your challenge as well and don't act like "my wife is having trouble with her responsibilities." Come up with ideas and solutions together.

Do anything you can to support her and get help, do not let this go on and on. I have been dealing with the overwhelm of this lifestyle for years and now I have a bunch of heart problems which are supposedly due to anxiety and stress.

I think James said it succinctly. Living in this society, this world today, sucks real bad. Gone are the multi-generational homes where aunties and grannies helped with kiddos and bounced babies while the mama hung out the washing. No more quiet little streets where all the kids could play for hours without a care. No more big families all gathering for meals together and sharing the burden. You have to just man (or woman) up, and realize that these days, life is a battlefield.

I don't mean to be a downer, but I have been told so many times that if I just ask some nice lady in my parish, or if I just do such and such or whatever, that everything will calm down and get easier. That is not always the case.

[nmoerbeek]

As noted in my previous intro, many of us were born into Ignorance.  I'm a fairly new Catholic and I have 3 children under 3 currently.  I would like to have more but it gets more difficult with each new one for one primary reason, We have little to no grand parent assistance other than my own father who can only assist on weekends do the multiple businesses he runs (her father is deceased).  This makes the infant stage extremely difficult. Both our mother's have had multiple husbands (5+) and are not really that interested in their grand children aside from photos and a few hugs with them. 

My question to you all:  When I go to Latin Mass I will see families similar to ours but with 6 or 5 kids under 7.  They seem to manage them well at Mass (which we're working on), but how do they manage so many kids during their day to day lives?  My wife is doing her best but she did not grow up with a highly participative mother so she is having to learn everything about child rearing as she goes (likewise I grew up with no active mother at all).  She is having much difficulty when it comes to dealing with the children and gets stressed very easily. Any advice from those who had large families would be greatly appreciated. 

Thank you all

I had a similar situation, my wife gave birth to our first four back to back, Nov 20, Nov 21, Nov 18, January 8.  My oldest is now 11, a total of 6 with my 7th on the way. I do not have any inlaws or extended family near me.

Wherever you are at now, make small incremental changes.

A few small changes I would suggest (or things you may already do, and you should keep doing them)

Mom hour, try to watch or take care of the Children for 1 hour a day or to start at least 30 minutes and give your wife the freedom to do anything that recuperates her.  Demand though that she does not use the time to catch up (IE frantically do chores) but something that genuinely renews her, ideally in a quiet Enviroment.  Ideally this should be in the evening.

Mom retreat, every month let your wife have a period of 4 hours to organize herself (IE her tasks), make a list of anticipated difficulties, examen her conscience and pray in silence at Church, a park, or some quiet place outside of the home while you watch the Children.

With these 2 things your wife will be able to anticipate time to refresh herself, and even the anticipation will ease the burden a bit.

As far as managing Children there is no substitute for kind but frequent corporal punishment, taking away of toys, treats and the such like.   When you watch your children every day insist on good behavior, and especially good behavior when in front of you, the father. Having a higher baseline of behavior in front of you will lead to the children being more well behaved in front of Mom.

Many of the more down to earth suggestions are good.  As far as chores go, I like the approach of having a specific time every day for chores, and a specific time every weekend for longer chores. 

I find it useful to remind myself that I can lose my salvation if I do not take care of my wife and children's spiritual and temporal needs, that way the duty is done with great care.

[Maximilian]

Do not under any circumstances think your life will be easier if you hire the TV as a babysitter.
It will seem easier, and then you will realize it was a huge mistake, but too late.

Good point.

[Bonaventure]

The only married, with kid(s), Catholic friend I am in regular contact with is @Kaesekopf.