Marriage age?

[Ancilla Domini]

You're always so kind, erin. 

You're right that I have no personal experience of being married, and I don't think I've ever presumed to speak to that. But I am presumably at age 26 capable of entering into marriage. Or can unmarried people not decide that for themselves either? My point was that I believe I was equally capable, in terms of practical skills and emotional maturity, of entering into marriage at a much younger age. You can dismiss that - and anything else I have to say - if you like. The fact remains that the Church allows teenagers to marry. It cannot be wrong absolutely.

Only if your father agrees.  Because women can't bother their pretty little heads with such big thoughts like that.... :p

I actually don't think I would get married without my parents' approval.

So... put that in your pipe and smoke it, KK!

[Chestertonian]

I've never met a 14 year old that could be classified as "emotionally mature."  Even in traditional Catholic circles.  I'd think a 14 year old girl, who is not only ready to assume the role of wife, take care of an entire household and raise a child has to be remarkable.  Personally, I wouldn't even hire a babysitter for my son who was that young. 

My wife and I met when she was 14 and I was 16.  so technically we were the minimum ages for marriage in the Church.   Really, though, if my wife's father wasn't the a***hole that he is, he would have chased me away with a shotgun   

And when was the last time you met a 16 year old boy who was financially independent, let alone in a position to buy his own house and handle the responsibilities of fatherhood?

[piabee]

I'd rather have my children married at 18 then cohabitating until 35

These are not the only two options.

[Ancilla Domini]

I've never met a 14 year old that could be classified as "emotionally mature."  Even in traditional Catholic circles.  I'd think a 14 year old girl, who is not only ready to assume the role of wife, take care of an entire household and raise a child has to be remarkable.  Personally, I wouldn't even hire a babysitter for my son who was that young. 

My wife and I met when she was 14 and I was 16.  so technically we were the minimum ages for marriage in the Church.   Really, though, if my wife's father wasn't the a***hole that he is, he would have chased me away with a shotgun   

And when was the last time you met a 16 year old boy who was financially independent, let alone in a position to buy his own house and handle the responsibilities of fatherhood?

I actually know quite a few. Who are independent, that is. I don't think I know any who own their own home.

Look, our experiences are obviously very different. It seems to me that what you have in mind is a very middle-class, American way of life, where children are financially dependent on their parents well into adulthood, where parents pay for college and even graduate or professional school, and where young adults are expected to be able to afford a home of their own upon graduating college or soon afterward. That was never the reality for most Catholics. And that level of prosperity was certainly never a prerequisite for marriage.

Where I come from, teenagers work. At 14, I had a part-time job, at 16 full-time. I was also expected to attend school, make good grades, and do housework. I knew how to cook, clean, do laundry, etc.... all as well as my mother did. I was often hired to babysit, starting at age 12, and I never lost a single child! Though it wasn't much, I could have supported myself on my own income by the time I was 16. Many of my friends had to do exactly that. Some of them even married and had children to support!

However, leaving home was not necessarily part of the culture, nor is it in many parts of the Catholic world today. I believe it also used to be fairly normal in this country for young couples to live with their parents for a few years or even indefinitely before buying a house or even renting an apartment of their own. It made sense financially, practically, and... well... some people actually like having their family around! 

So, we're looking at this from very different perspectives. And once again, I'm not saying that everyone, or even most people, should marry young. I agree that our culture has changed radically, and teenagers and even people in their 20's can be incredibly immature, totally unprepared for many aspects of adult life, including marriage. It can also be a difficult way to live, taking on so many responsibilities at such a young age. I'm just saying, some people can do it, historically most people have, and ultimately the Church allows it.

[Chestertonian]

Look, our experiences are obviously very different. It seems to me that what you have in mind is a very middle-class, American way of life, where children are financially dependent on their parents well into adulthood, where parents pay for college and even graduate or professional school, and where young adults are expected to be able to afford a home of their own upon graduating college or soon afterward. That was never the reality for most Catholics. And that level of prosperity was certainly never a prerequisite for marriage.

Not exactly.  I don't necessarily think it's a good thing that so many young people "fail to launch" and aren't able to provide for themselves. 

It's true that extended families were closer back then, and this is a good thing, but at the end of the day.... conceiving children at your mom's house?  At least have the decency to do that in the back of a station wagon or something. 

my mother would love to be able to stay home and help with her grandson full time but that's life I guess.  She also has a job  I'm glad she's only a 10 minute subway ride away, but it's nice to have the ho use to yourself at the end of the day

I also don't come from a Catholic family and they did NOT want me to marry a Catholic, so despite being close with them we are not close in faith, unfortunately

Where I come from, teenagers work. At 14, I had a part-time job, at 16 full-time. I was also expected to attend school, make good grades, and do housework. I knew how to cook, clean, do laundry, etc.... all as well as my mother did. I was often hired to babysit, starting at age 12, and I never lost a single child! Though it wasn't much, I could have supported myself on my own income by the time I was 16. Many of my friends had to do exactly that. Some of them even married and had children to support!

I started working at 14, too, but wasn't financially independent until maybe college.  my father left me some money for college when he died so I used that, but otherwise took care of myself (and got scholarships).

And "not losing a single child" isn't exactly the gold standard of babysitting. 

Where did you grow up?

[Ancilla Domini]

It's true that extended families were closer back then, and this is a good thing, but at the end of the day.... conceiving children at your mom's house?  At least have the decency to do that in the back of a station wagon or something.

Different cultures, Chestertonian...  

And "not losing a single child" isn't exactly the gold standard of babysitting.

No houses burnt down either?   

Where did you grow up?

I've lived all over the US as well as in Europe and Latin America.

[Hector, Tamer of Horses]

My grandmother married and begat at fifteen, and my aunt at seventeen.

This was in '41 and '59, respectively.  In rural/small-town Illinois.  My aunt converted to Catholicism to marry her husband.  They had six children and stayed together until he died a couple of years ago.

[OCLittleFlower]

I don't see anything wrong with people marrying young, provided they can support a family.  However, I think it's a rare teen who is ready for that, now, or indeed even in the past.  Prior to the 20th century, only people wealthy families could typically afford to marry very young -- others would often have to save up a bit first, meaning that the age of first marriage was often 20+ for both genders.

I married at 21 (my husband was 26) and those were good ages for us, mainly because neither of us had met the right person beforehand.  I barely even looked at the guys in high school, because none of them were even close to husband material, at least not back then.  Most of them couldn't even bother to avoid illegal drugs and turn their homework in on time. 

As far as teen babysitters go, I'd be fine with it if we knew them/the family.  But then, teen sitters were more than common where I grew up, and I was one in junior high and high school.  In fact, one of the kids I used to babysit just got accepted into an Ivy League school.  Yes, that does make me feel old.     So, it does surprise me that people are skeptical about it, but then my husband is/was as well -- it seems to be less common in the big cities (he grew up in LA) than in small towns.  Basically, people tended to babysit for people who knew them or knew their parents -- neighbors, local restaurant owners, etc.

While I personally wouldn't want to live with parents or in laws while married, I won't judge it and I don't look at "getting your own place" as a measure of success, especially for single people.  Even in the 80s, in the US, my father lived at home until he was married, and it sure saved him a lot of money.  My in laws took it one step further and lived with parents even after marriage -- they wanted us to do the same, but our relationship with them was strained enough as it was (they were also putting pressure on us to marry civilly and not in the Church, and it was ugly).  My husband has a married cousin who lives with her parents and grandma -- husband, baby, and all.  The free babysitting seems to work well for them, and Grandma gets to enjoy her great-grandson.

[erin is nice]

Almost everyone I know had jobs as teenagers, so I have no idea where the idea that American teenagers don't work is coming from 

I babysat in high school too, but babysitting is nothing like being married. I say this as someone who got married and had kids very young.

[Michael Wilson]

A man who doesn't  have a record of holding down a steady job for an extended period of time is a dicey husband prospect; he should be wearing a label that reads: "Marry at your own risk".  Another key is to see how your future husband treats his parents and siblings and how the parents treat each other.  The acorn doesn't fall far from the oak.

[The Harlequin King]

Dicey is my middle name.

The vast majority of my high school peers did not have jobs.

[erin is nice]

I also want to add that purely from a health standpoint, girls should not be having babies until they are fully grown. Girls who get pregnant before they are fully grown have much higher rates of premature birth, obstructed births, and birth injuries (fistula, etc). Early pregnancy can also permanently stunt their growth.

[verenaerin]

Erin's point of having children at a young age is very true.


I don't think that people should get married till the husband can support his family. That is going to include health care of some sort. And working full time at Mc D's isn't going to cut it. There are many examples of men going out, getting their land, building their home, and then finding a wife. Getting married when you are in high school and living with your parents is ridiculous as a goal or acceptable option. That's what you do when circumstances demand it, it's hardly ideal.

[verenaerin]

I'd rather have my children married at 18 then cohabitating until 35

These are not the only two options.

Yea, this is kinda a ridiculous dichotomy.

[james03]

And then there is the other problem.  Women waiting until their 30s to get married.