Parental advice

Anastasia · December 04, 2016, 07:27:40 PM

I really need some advice about how to handle a situation that's come up. I found out that one of my kids stole a $20 from me yesterday. All of them deny taking it. Now, I can't let whoever the thief is get away with it, but I also don't want to punish all of them by taking away privileges or presents, because that would be unjust to all the innocent kids. So what do I do? No physical evidence, nothing to go on.

Elizabeth · December 04, 2016, 07:46:50 PM

You'll find out by careful observation, I think. What's the age range of possible culprits?

Akavit · December 04, 2016, 07:53:07 PM

There is the IRS approach. If you can't catch the act, identify the inappropriate expenditures. That's how they took Al Capone down. His lavish spending far exceeded what anyone should have been able to spend on the reported income level.

Of course this doesn't work so well if your children normally have access to enough money that $20 is considered pocket change.

Carleendiane · December 04, 2016, 08:26:12 PM

Has one of your hooligans been asking for something and you've turned a deaf ear or just not responded? Or has one been complaining about having no money? Think back. Which one has been acting a bit desperate? Just looking for clues.

ResRev · December 05, 2016, 07:26:48 AM

Sorry, Anastasia. This happened to me a few times and it's so hard because you can't imagine one of them doing it, so strongly, that you feel like you're imagining things. And they're all looking so innocent! It's tough. I know some groups do use the punishment of the whole group in these situations, and sometimes that's good plan, but I would hate to encourage sibling rivalry and it sounds like that could encourage it. Good call on your part. Guilt is probably the best punishment, hopefully the guilty party is questioning the wisdom of what they've done by now (Mom hopes, right?) Maybe make a plan to go to confession taking everyone and letting the kids know you're giving them a chance to make it right?

Anastasia · December 05, 2016, 09:38:53 AM

It was on a very high shelf, so oldest three are the only real suspects (9, 11, 12). They get an allowance for doing chores, but not a lot, so they have to save up for a few weeks to buy the kinds of things they want. So far none of them ever make it a few weeks without blowing it on gas station candy.
Today I'm going to ransack the house: it's got to be somewhere, and they can't be THAT clever about hiding it. I will also make sure they all get to confession this week, that's a good idea.

Lydia Purpuraria · December 05, 2016, 10:05:40 AM

Are you absolutely certain that one of them took it? Could it have been misplaced (but maybe that's also a reason why you're going to do a clean sweep to look for it)?

If you are certain that one of them stole it, you may still be able to implement a "group" punishment that doesn't necessarily entail taking away gifts, etc. for all -- but still results in the one who did do it telling you the truth. I'm not sure exactly how it'd work out for you: not knowing your kids' personalities and relationships, and with perhaps too much time lapsing between the act and now (and whatnot) it could be a "risky" maneuver... But when my older three were a bit younger (maybe 5, 7, and 10) one of them cut a hole in the shower curtain. And of course no one had done it, when asked who did it/what had happened. So, I made them all go into their bedroom and said don't come out until whoever did this fesses up -- in the meantime all of you have lost everything and all privileges except for the right to sit in your bedroom. I then stood outside their closed door listening to make sure that no one was coerced into a false confession as they talked it out amongst each other...also it was interesting to hear how the ones who truly hadn't done it spoke about it and reacted to all of them being punished. Ultimately, the guilty party didn't want the others to be in trouble for what he had done (plus they were pretty ticked off which was good incentive for his coming clean), and he came out to tell me he had done it (I was pretty sure it had been him, but since I hadn't caught him in the act I didn't want to falsely accuse). So... sorry for that long-winded reply, but maybe something along these lines could work for you?

Anastasia · December 05, 2016, 05:09:11 PM

Thank you all for your help! I did end up getting it back today: I told them I wouldn't pursue it if the money was returned. We all looked around for it , and it showed up a little while later. So it's always possible I overlooked it when I searched for it before, but either way, at least that's the end of it.

verenaerin · December 06, 2016, 03:30:13 PM

Honestly I would have punished all 3 older kids until someone fessed up. Good lesson in life that sometimes you get punished for what others do. Then, when peer pressure got to the culprit, they would get double punishment for making the others suffer.

But I am mean like that.

Lynne · December 06, 2016, 04:34:17 PM

Quote from: verenaerin on December 06, 2016, 03:30:13 PM
Honestly I would have punished all 3 older kids until someone fessed up. Good lesson in life that sometimes you get punished for what others do. Then, we peer pressure got to the culprit, they would get double punishment for making the others suffer.

But I am mean like that.

Yes, life isn't always fair.

Hannelore · December 07, 2016, 12:41:19 PM

I remember when I was 10, and my entire family (siblings, father, half-sister and her 3 kids) were all living with my aunt, uncle, and grandma in their huge house in California. Along the sidewalk in front of the house were these flowers that grew on stalks, surrounded by this frondy-type grass. One of us kids (

) (possibly more than one, I'm not exactly sure) plucked all of the perky, tempting little flower heads off of all of the stalks on one plant (maybe all the plants? Flower heads bit the dust, that's all I know.). My grandma, the gardener, was furious. I don't remember ever being directly questioned, probably because Grandma was clever and decided to use a different method to ensure her flowers' safety in the future.

She called the four of us kids together, stood in front of us glaring daggers, and announced: "I know who pulled the flowers off. I'm not going to say any more about it. But it won't happen again." Looking back, I was never quite sure whether she really knew or was just bluffing, but it definitely worked! Every flower on the place was sacred after that!

maryslittlegarden · December 07, 2016, 03:28:37 PM

Quote from: Bernadette on December 07, 2016, 12:41:19 PM
I remember when I was 10, and my entire family (siblings, father, half-sister and her 3 kids) were all living with my aunt, uncle, and grandma in their huge house in California. Along the sidewalk in front of the house were these flowers that grew on stalks, surrounded by this frondy-type grass. One of us kids ( ) (possibly more than one, I'm not exactly sure) plucked all of the perky, tempting little flower heads off of all of the stalks on one plant (maybe all the plants? Flower heads bit the dust, that's all I know.). My grandma, the gardener, was furious. I don't remember ever being directly questioned, probably because Grandma was clever and decided to use a different method to ensure her flowers' safety in the future. She called the four of us kids together, stood in front of us glaring daggers, and announced: "I know who pulled the flowers off. I'm not going to say any more about it. But it won't happen again." Looking back, I was never quite sure whether she really knew or was just bluffing, but it definitely worked! Every flower on the place was sacred after that!

Fear is an excellent motivator.