why doesn't God show us if we're on the wromg track

[Chestertonian]

i have been wondering why is it that God never shows us how we're doing.  it feels like i will never know where I stand with God in this life.  I have tried talking to god but either he isn't responding or I can't hear him responding.  I know some people get graces from him but for whatever reason he hasnt given them to e.  so it always seems like theres something wrong with me

This never used to bother me when I was a new convert but it scares me how much of catholicism is wrapped up in an individual's self assessment.  it's up to me to discern whether what I did was a sin, and if it is a sin, it is up to me to be sorrowful.  but what if I'm not sorrowful enough?  There's no way for me to objectively discern whether my level of sorrow is necessary for forgiveness.  what if there are sins i'm committing that i dont even know about? 

i have hours and hours and hours of unstructured time with very little definition between one hour to the next so you would think thatwith all that free time prayer would not be hard for me.  I spend a lot of that time ruminating--which is when the same type of thought goes through your head, sometimes over and over, like you are working out a problem in your head, but the problem is never solved.  could be something i'm anxious about, a difficult decision i have to make, guilt/shame/depressive thoughts etc, wife & kids better off without me.  but what tends to happen is that i try to pray and it just gets worse and i cant stop the thoughts...only instead of ruminating about other stuff i end up  shiftingmy focus on how horrible i am at praying and how everything itry to do fails etc.  and then i think "Is this how it is supposed to be?  the saints talked about how good it is to hate yourself"  but ireally wish i could just feel better (as in not hating myself)but then feel guilt for wsishing i couldfeel better

why doesnt god tell us how mmany years of purgatory are ahead or how you're doing.  he hnever says "Well done" untlil you're on your way to heaven. 

then i get these guilty thoughts for being distracted when attempting to pray

or someitimes i try praying the rosary and 3 hail marys in, i have to have suction or my hands fall asleep

or i get stuck worrying that such and such a thing might be a sin.  But the alternative to doing That Thing might also be a sin!  so it is like i have these situations where it seems like no matter where i turn it's a sin.  and there are so many different situations in life where it seems like Choice A and Choice B are both morally iffy choices and there's no option that I can feel at peace with morally.  and a lot of this is due to the fact that i tendto read things and for whatever reason it's as if someone somewhere thinks that Thing A is a sin, ithen it could be a sin and i should worry about it...  i could have a logical counter argument in my head but it doesnt keep me from having this crushing guilt..  but here in Catholic Land guilt is a good thing so maybe that is good?

like...not receiving holy communion...on one level, you have to receive once a year and i didnt do that.  on another level it's a sin to receive unworthily and lots of traditionalists think that laity should not receive often if at all and it's better to err on not receiving.  so many things in life are like this and there's zero confirmation that if I choose A over B, that God isn't horribly angry at me.  Justseems like a parent who never voices approval so the children have no idea where they stand in their fathers eyes

[Gardener]

Hope counteracts the despair which could result if we knew we currently are off the mark.

Humility counteracts the presumption which could result if we knew we currently are doing well.

If one were to think of the path we follow as a vector, no one would end it on the mark as the angular disparity would put us SO FAR off the mark at the end due to the beginning being off. This is why we pray for the grace of a good death and final perseverance.

The goal is to keep moving forward. To stay humble and recognize our need for grace in order to do any supernaturally good thing.

We can have moral certainty of if we are in a state of grace, but never absolute certainty in this life unless God gives us a special graces to know such a thing. And not only to know such a thing, but to support us in staying humble in knowing such a thing (for without the grace of humility, the grace of assured salvation would lead to thoughts/words/deeds which are presumptuous).

For some, this assuredness would test the promise to its breaking point. I believe the majority of people would fall into such a camp.

For others, this assuredness would enable them to be absolute warriors for God. They would forsake all earthly cares and be focused solely on God, knowing the end. Only a few in history fall into this category.

A path of Faith, Hope, and Love, not knowing the end but throwing all of one's being, desires, thoughts, words, and deeds into the hope of Salvation is the path for the majority. To stay humble in lack of absolute certainty enables hope with moral certainty.

The only sorrow NEEDED is imperfect contrition in combination with the Sacrament of Confession. If one doesn't know about certain sins, God isn't treating those as mortal anyway.

The only path in the lack of absolute certainty is to stay near Jesus through Mary. If unsure about anything, pray for guidance. He promised in scripture to give bread and not stones.

It's untrue that God never voices approval. What do you want, a letter with test results via Heavenly Postal Service? Be realistic. God voices approval through messengers, be they an angel or an "angel" -- remember, angel simply means messenger of God. He approves of your through given graces of fortitude. Look at you... fighting for your soul in a situation that most people would have given up 100 times over.

Are you not surrounded by His earthly angels here, always encouraging you? Hasn't He begun in you a good work, miraculous in some sense, of bringing you out of Judaism and into the congregation promised to your forefathers? Hasn't He given you children despite so many odds, that you may be closer to Him in the relational understanding of a Father to Son? Hasn't He allowed you to share in His Cross with all your physical and spiritual maladies? Hasn't He given you His wounds in which to rest and hide from your spiritual enemies?

The Master does not do an Apprentice service by never challenging him. That's not how one makes a Journeyman. The Apprentice must become a Journeyman through successively harder challenges. The Journeyman becomes a Master through even harder challenges still. Are you being challenged? Good! That's a sign of His love for you. You cannot become like Him until you go through trials and tribulations, passions and resurrections.

You run a race, not as at an uncertainty, and the stands are filled with the Saints and Angels. Our Lady has the VIP box and is cheering you on. When truly needed, you will have the wind of the Holy Spirit at your back, in your lungs, and pushing you forward.